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KLARENC WADE MAK, M. D., 
American Author and Poet. 

(Dr. MaZc's latest picture — 
taken April 4, 1918) 

Fellow mortals, let us pray, 

TJhat to-morrow will he a beautiful day, 

CAnd that the day after 
Will he -filled with laughter, 

CAnd that each to-morrow 
V/ill he free from sorrow. 






A Mental 
DELICATESSEN STORE 

Written and Published by 
DR. MAK & HIMSELF, 

For People Who Want to Be 
Sensible, Healthy and Civilized 



OUR MOTTO: 



Never tell a lie if you can possibly palm the truth 

off on the boobs. 



This book is written with a Double-Barrel Pitchfork 
and has a date with your Nancy Animal. If you're honest, 
intelligent and in favor of fair play for all people, this 
book will feed your goat cake, pie, candy and ice-cream. 
If you laugh yourself to death the Author will stand for 
your funeral expenses and pension your minor children. 



We kill fools by destroying the Ignorance, Prejudice 
and Stupidity that make them fools. We are teaching our 
fellow men and women to do their own thinking and thus 
pry themselves out of the Boob and Hill-Billy Class. Every 
bird must use its own wings if it wants to play hookey with 
the clouds. The one who does your thinking for you will 
also have his hands in your pockets and you will be his 
meal-ticket. 



The author is not responsible for anv ODinions ex- 
pressed in this book — not even his own. 

We try to tell the truth as much as possible, but as 
we had the misfortune to be born a Republican and raised 
a Democrat, you can't expect much of us. 



The Fool Killer 



A BRIEF AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

The Author of this book was born near Fairfield, 
Iowa, and raised mostly in that state and in Nebraska, 
Kansas and Missouri His father was born and reared in 
Ohio and Iowa, and his patrenal grandfather was born in 
Virginia, and back of that his paternal stock came from 
Ireland. His mother was born and reared in New Orleans 
and educated in Cincinnati and the Southland. Her people 
came from Georgia and Virginia, and back of that her 
ancestry came from England. Dr. Mak is not a German 
and his ancestry is free from any Teutonic strain. He is 
purely and wholly American and stands firmly back of 
President Wilson in the conduct of this war. Kansas City, 
Missouri, March 27, 1918. 

Many a skirt has gone broke by betting her whole 
heart on a natty pair of trousers with cuffs on one end of 
them and a cigarette at the other extremity. 

REAL MUSIC. 

The soft and tender lullabies a young mother croons 
to her first babe are the purest and sweetest music in all 
the world. These are the Primeval Race-Songs that never 
die. 



MEMORY. 

The Wordless Voice of the Past — 
The Silent Key that opens all the graves — 
The Dream Brush whose colors will ever last, 
And many a flower from the River of Leth saves. 



A REAL ROMEO. 

When it comes to playing the real old-fashioned-all- 
soul-and-a-heart-wide Romeo in pink and purple tights, a 
Bull Pigeon has us all backed off the roof and labeled 30- 
Cents with the 3 painted out with lavender pigment. 

No matter how homely a woman is, if she has good 
manners and is sensible and cheerful, she Will always be 
considered good-looking, and will be popular wherever she 
goes. 



The Fool Killer 



A person without education is like a bird without 
wings — any old cat can get you then. 

Many a guy has hanged himself with a rope made of 
calico. 



It costs a thousand times more to be foolish than to 
be wise, but only the wise are aware of the fact. 

No matter how quietly and discreetly and carefully 
you eat "forbidden fruit" your neighbors will soon find 
some of the tell-tale rinds. 



Our neighbors are probably not much worse than they 
think we are. 



When a man gets too old to be folish anymore he is 
up to that point in years where he can give eternity itself 
a pretty good run for its money. 

Facts never quarrel nor fight each other — only false- 
hoods do such foolish things. 



When a man has lived long enough to have tried all 
the bad things in this world, he generally wants to hang 
on a little longer just to see if the Republicans and Demo- 
crats won't invest some new evils. 

It takes a ton of Wisdom to balance accounts with an 
ounce of Foolishness. 



When a little child toddles up to me and gazes up into 
my face with its soul in its eyes, and then waddles up a 
little closer and timidly puts its little dimpled fingers on 
my knees and smiles, I'm all in — I surrender! And no 
matter what I'm doing nor how busy I am, I'm going to 
have a vacation right then and there and gather that kid 
up in my arms and squeeze it and love it a bit. 

Today is the best time to throw bouquets at your 
neighbors, and tomorrow is the best time to try out brick- 
bats on them. 



The Fool Killer 



Behaving yourself and keeping your nose at home is 
the best way in the world to make friends. 

A Saint is the married man who can look at a pretty 
girl in a modern skirt and think of his wife at the same 
time. 

A Perfect Man is the cuss who pleases his wife in 
every respect and is satisfactory to his mother-in-law and 
neighbors in every Way. I pass — ho w about you, brother? 

Immortality is a Love Dream that echoes in Eternity. 
Selfishness is the $-mark on the soul. 



GOOD FUEL. 

If there is anything that makes Old Nick's forked- 
eyes do the yellow snake-dance it is the sight of a 
Traveling Man they are bringing in on a barbed-wire 
stretcher who was untrue to his good and faithful wife 
back in the world and who passed himself off for single 
when he was out on the road so he could make love to 
the silly girls he met in the towns he visited. And lots 
of those dunks not only flirted with other girls, but 
often caused the ruin and downfall of some innocent 
and trusting little greeny who believed he was a gen- 
tleman. Yes, Steve, such human polecats always make 
the best of fuel, and Old Horns is always delighted 
when he sees one of them coming in on a barbed-wire 
stretcher and well deodorized with the Chloride of 
Sheol! Nick would wait up all night any time just to 
give such a stiff a proper reception. 



Bad habits, my son, are the weeds and cigarettes 
of life and will only steer your feet into the paths that 
lead downhill. They will never write your name in his- 
tory nor punctuate the Sands of Time with your foot- 
prints. They will give you entre and carte blanche to 
all circles where Decency is not a guest. Bad habits 
bid farewell to Hope, and hail Regret along the way. 



It's pretty hard to throw brickbats at your neigh- 
bors without hitting yourself. 



The Fool Killer 




HOME. 

A quiet and happy nest, 
Where Love is Queen and King; 
Where heart gives to heart its best, 
And life's a free and splendid thing. 

Just any little sheltered nook, 
Where Love eyes can ever look 
Into other Sweetheart-eyes and find 
An answering love so sweet and kind. 

Home is more than a place to sleep and feed, 
It's a shelter from every snow and storm — 
A place that supplies the Soul's every need. 
And keeps the heart forever young and warm. 



The Fool Killer 



Money can build a palace and fill it with costly furnish- 
ings and priceless pictures and rare Oriental rugs, but it 
takes a bit 'o calico and love to make it a home; and the 
happy laughter of children mingling with the songs of the 
birds among the vines and trees is Nature's Primeval Music 
— the finishing touch of color and harmony. 



SPRING. 

O beautiful, Mysterious and Eternal Spring! 
Why linger in the arms of Winter so long? 
Every bird is waiting to give Thee wing, 
And every throat is choking with song; 
So hurry along with they Mystic powers, 
To revive the grass and pretty flowers. 

O Mysterious Power — incarnation of the Nazarene, 
Every bud and flower awaits they Mystic kiss; 
Only thy touch can carpet the earth with green, 
And bring to every life some hope and bliss, 
Thy Mysterious Touch in some unknown way, 
Revives the flowers and makes us gay. 

Thou art the iResurrection — the Rainbow in the East — 
The Eternal Promise to all the countless dead — 
Thy Mysterous Hands bring forth a yearly feast, 
And give an upward tilt to every drooping head. 
Thou art Nature's Romeo and thy loving breath revives 
The Spark-of-Love and paints a Rainbow on all our lives. 

How absurd to speak of a widow as a "widow woman." 
As she is a widow I don't see how she could help being a 
Woman. And don't call the postman or letter-carrier the 
"mail man." As he is a male it is quite unnecessary to 
tell him that he is a man. If he don't know that just let 
him gradually find it out for himself. 



Whenever I see a Glorious Sunset or the Mystic Moon- 
light writing verse libre on the star-lit waves, the Voice of 
the Wild begins to sing alto in my soul. 



The Fool Killer 




MUSIC. 

Music Is the Mental Perfume of Sounds — 

The dreamy Southwind of the Soul; 

It's the Sweet Voice of Love and forever abounds. 

And like the fragrance of flowers It never gets old. 

It's a Love Song that reaches all hearts— 
A soft Soul-Light that undarkens our eyes — 
A Sweetheart-Kiss that comes and imparts 
Wild Dreams for Fancy to ride in the skies. 

It carries us hack to the June-of-the-Past, 
And softens the shadows that are folding so fast; 
And it takes me down to the River out there, 
Where I kiss some ringlets of soft brown hair. 

And when I take her hands so gently In mine, 
And when I kiss her sweet lips so red and so fine, 
I'm drifting through Heaven and the music I hear. 
Is the same sweet Voice that was ever so dear. 



8 The Fool Killer 



Music is a Strange and shadowy Soul-Dream that 
waltzes With the Southwind of the Heart down through 
the pyxical and zig-zag places of an Evergladed and Storm- 
less forever. 

It's the Southwind of the Soul singing a winged and 
dreamy alto in Eternity — a Perfumed River of Melody 
that yodels every love-song from the cradle to the Grave. 

Music is the Voice of the Wild singing alto in our 
souls. 



BURNING OF THE PIPE-ORGAN AT THE WILLI9 

WOOD. 

No more will the Big Organ with the Angel Voice, 
Thrill the multitudes and make them all rejoice. 
How often have I sat within those sculptured walls, 
Listening to the music as it rolls and falls. 

When the Organist swept her hands across that 

wilderness of keys, 
I often heard the songs of birds and the whispered 

hum of bees, 
For she could make it echo sharp and shrill, 
Like the distant notes of the Whip-poor- Wil, 
Or the broken gurgle of a Mountain Stream, 
And then in the twinkling of a finger, 
It would change and yodle soft and low, 
A moon-lit alto that likes to linger 
In our souls like the evening glow 
In a Wood-Dove's leafy dream. 



BETTER THAN GRAND OPERA. 

The voice of a little bird up in the cherry tree, 

Singing its matins to the Morning Sun, 

Is sweeter music unto me 

Than any opera ever done ; 

And when I hear its voice so pure and sweet, 

I enjoy with rapture the dainty treat. 



The Fool Killer 9 

When man, the pigmy egotist, can paint a Glorious 
Andean Sunset on the Indian Ocean, without pigment, like 
Nature does, he may consider himself an artist. 



Marrying without love is selling your soul on credit. 

Ragtime is the garbage of music— the weeds and 
cigarette of melody — the booze of harmony. It misses the 
soul and hits below the belt. 



The highest part of an education is finding out how 
much ov it isn't so. 



A flower's perfume is its voice and wings, 
And that's the way it flies and sings. 



ART is the music of form and color — the rhythm of 
shade and light — the harmony of arrangement — Nature's 
Grand Symphony of Beauty. 

Facts are Nature's invincible wings — 
The way to higher and better things. 

TpUTH is the only mental-food that's nutritious, and 
it strengthens every mind and fortifies the soul. 

TIME is the inevitable cuss that finally makes us all 
look like 30-cents with nothing on but its eyebrows and a 
couple of pale freckles. 

A lie is a weed that thrives best in the dark. 
Truth is a flower that must have the sunlight. 



Young men should never keep company with girls they 
cannot, with honest pride, introduce to their mothers and 
sisters; and young women should not keep company with 
the kind of young men they would hesitate to have their 
fathers and brothers meet. 

I got all my goodness (the little I have) from my 
mother, and my cussedness I inherited from my wife's 
relatives and the Republiran party. 



10 The Fool Killer 



DIFFICULTIES THAT CAN DIF. 

1. To tell a lie that won't leak. 

2. To never make mistakes nor do foolish things. 

3. To call a man a liar who can lick you. 

4. To feel kindly toward the woman who invented 
work. 

5. To quit eating and drinking when you've had 
enough. 

6. To look at yourself through your neighbor's eyes. 

7. To understand a woman and the Kansas weather. 

8. To behave as well as you think your neighbors 
ought to. 

9. To tell the truth to your wife and the tax asses- 
sor. 

10. To throw brickbats at your neighbors without 
hitting yourself. 

11. To sew wild oats without sticking the needle in 
your fingers. 

12. To not go to the circus when you have a compli- 
mentary ticket. 

13. To be as good to your wife as you expect her to 
be to you. 

14. To believe in the 13-superstition when you're get- 
ting $13 a day salary and not much to do. 

15. To pom yourself off on your neighbors at your 
own valuation. 

16. To feel glad when your mother-in-law comes to 
pay you a year's visit. 

17. To find the silver lining to sickness and misfor- 
tune. 

18. To live long enough to not be interested in calico 
any more. 

19. To tell the truth about the number and size of 
the fish you caught. 

20. To find a youngster who Would rather go to Sun- 
day School than the ball game. 

21. To find an axe-handle that won't blister a boy's 
hands — unless he uses it as a ball-bat. 

22. To find a fly that don't enjoy workinjr on bald- 
heads. 



The Fool Killer 11 

NOT OLD ENOUGH. 

Harold, 7 years old, and slightly inquisitive: "Mamma, 
why do the girls and women wear such short dresses and 
such high shoes?" 

"Run along, son, and ask your father — he studies those 
things more'n I do." 

"Pa, what makes the girls and women wear such short 
skirts and high shoes?" 

"Never mind, my boy, you're not old enough to be in- 
terested in such profound problems. Go over there and 
ask grandpa — maybe he's old enough to know." 

"Grandpa, (94) why do the girls and women wear 
such short skirts and high shoes?" 

"Harold, your grandfather is only 94 and isn't old 
enough to be wise to such problems — ask me something 
easy — like what makes the water wet? or why does a red 
cow eat green grass and give white milk?" 

"But, grandpa, you're not too old yet to look at the 
short dresses and high shoes — are you?" 

"0, run along to bed, you little interrogation point — 
it's get'n late anyway!" 



One drop of water can't drown anyone, but enough 
drops of water gathered together in the form of a lake 
or sea can easily drown the whole world — and still have 
enough left over to finance the Prohibition party and wash 
Billy Sunday's language. Here's the lesson the workers 
must learn if they ever expect to get away from the bottom 
of the ladder. Get together and co-operate — fight your 
enemies instead of each other. 



A GOOD REPORTER. 

Whenever you feel like saying mean things about your 
neighbors, the Devil is at your elbow with an indelible 
pencil and plenty of writing paper; and Old Nick is also a 
good wireless operator. 



Man's days on earth are like the grass — it's green 
and beautiful for a brief season — the Good Old Summer 
Time — when the insects rasp their jigger songs of love in 
its emerald foliage, and then the hazy days of Autumn come 



12 The Fool Killer 

—_ — i 

slowly on, and with their frosts they awake within these 
emerald blades that mystic something called DECAY, and 
then the grass withers and fades away, and the mules 
and cows eat it in the form of hay; and the same with 
Man — the alleged immortal cuss. For a brief season he 
is young, and beautiful, and strong, and struts Life's 
Restless Stage and sings his little song; and then the 
soft and silent days of Autumn come, and With the 
Golden Rod and Purple Poppies nodding in the sun, the 
falling Autumn leaves remind him that his race is nearly 
run; and then the chilling frosts, alias Monsieur Decay, 
beckon for Old Sharon to row across this way — the hands 
of time swing wide Oblivion's Dusky Door — the King of 
Beasts — the Ace of Reptiles — has passed — and is no 
more! And in the case of man the worms are the mules 
and cows. 

Whenever a man feels like doing something the Devil 
would be ashamed of, he feels the need of booze and to- 
bacco. They stimulate and strengthen all his bad Impulses 
and weaken and kill every good feeling that might sing 
glory in his soul. 

Broadway — The devil's electric lighted and perfumed 
Human Soul Trap — baited with women's eyes, men's 
smiles, jewels, booze, cigarettes, drugs that sing alto to 
tired nerves and lullaby s to starved souls, gambling, art, 
music, gilded vice, flowers, eats, drinks, dancing, vaude- 
ville and every shade and degree of unrighteousness and 
indecency. Hell's sizzling and dazzling old Appian Way 
to Oblivion! , 



A VISION. 



In my dreams I can see 

A world of humans sane and free — 

Where every throat is choking with a song, 

To warble as it drifts along — 

Where every hand is swordless and longs to be 

Grasping all other hands in amity. 



The Fool Killer 13 

Socialism is a political protest against Organized Greed. 
It is Organized World- Justice — just what the workers 
need. 



You can't reach the top of the ladder, my boy, by 
kicking yourself down hill with bad habits. 



The best way to make this wicked old world a bet- 
ter place to live, is to cut your own weeds before loan- 
ing your scythe to your neighbors. 



We are very tender hearted and hunger and suf- 
fering always distress us. We won't even knock a mos- 
quito off our cheek if it looks very gaunt and hungry 
and puts up a good hard-luck yarn about being out of 
work and plenty of sickness in the family, etc.; but it's 
got to be a mighty straight tale of woe if it expects to 
get by with it, Stephen. We have plenty of blood, but 
hate to be imposed upon. 

Health, Love, Liberty and Justice are the only kind 
of building material to make enduring foundations for 
homes or governments. 

If your ideas are right you won't need any force 
(law) to rub them into others with. Only falsehood and 
injustice need a crutch and a club. 

You can't become civilized long as your mind is full 
of barbaric ideas. Civiliaztion always follows an invoice 
of good ideas. 



THE DIFFERENCE. 

Steve, what's the difference between a cow and a 
cup of coffee? 

"As I never owned a cow and have quit drinking cof- 
fee, I give it up." 

When you milk a cup of coffee it changes its com- 
plexion — but a cow don't. 



14 



The Fool Killer 




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As he is the worst of all the measley bunch, 
He deserves the hardest and swiftest punch. 
It's a shame to starve the women and kiddies so, 
In orler to make his profits hump and grow. 
I hope, Mr. President, you'll camp upon his tracks, 
Until the last one of him is off our tired backs. 



The Fool Killer 



15 



Ohio is the horse-collar state — it begins and ends 
with an alphabetical horse-collar. 



Truth is ever radical, while Falsehood is always con- 
servative. 

Truth is always a pioneer, while Falsehood is ever 
a trail hitter. The one is a fearless and splendid Eagle 
whose tireless and unstained Wings are writing eternal 
poetry across the blue and shoreless vault of Heaven, 
while the other one is a cowardly and low-flying vulture 
skimming the battle fields and bivouacing in . deserted 
abbatoirs. The one investigates — the other believes. The 
one is a soul flower — the other one is a mental weed. 



"JESUS PAID IT ALL." 




$ A 20th Century Church. $ 



IC The Fool Killer 



Health and Love are the only artists that can paint 
your cheeks the right color and tint them with the per- 
fect shade. These primeval painters can give the eyes 
a finished gleam, and light them with Nature's primal 
gl ow — the immortal soul light — an imprisoned echo from 
Eternity. 

The Capitalist System and Dollarized Religion have 
got to go, or the human race will have to ask for its 
passports. Sharon is already on this side and with oars 
dipped. 

Nature is something of a vivid writer herself, and 
when it comes to putting over a beautiful narrative, how 
about the peacock's tail? It would take a Dickens of a 
writer to beat that. 

The boob that's afraid of his wife has a piece of 
calico that's worth having. 

Good health, a clear conscience and a good wife are 
plenty of heaven material for any boob that isn't a hog. 

Man is the only animal that won't behave himself, 
and he is also the only creature that's religious and claims 
to be civilized. He mistakes his ignorance for religion 
and his crimes for civilization. 

THE BUILDERS. 

TRUTH builds homes. 
LOVE makes wings. 
FALSEHOOD builds prisons. 
BIGOTRY makes chains. 



Truth never asks for laws — only falsehoods require 
legal enactments. 

A GOOD TRINITY. 

TRUTH is my authority. 
REASON is my guide. 
EXPERIENCE is my teacher. 



The Fool Killer 17 

Lansing, Mich., may be somethnig of a surgical feat, 
but it hasn't anything on Cutting, Ga. ; Wheeling, W. Va. ; 
Reading, Pa. ; Dunning, 111. ; Licking, Mo., and Eaton, Ohio. 

Only weak and worthless ideas require force to propa- 
gate them. 

A smile on the face indicates clear weather in the 
soul. 



My son, don't lose any time capturing the girl who 
would rather have a baby than a diamond ring. 

Calico is the best bait the Devil ever found for catch- 
ing the clergy. 



Fine clothes are well enough in a way, but when you 
have nothing else, you're a ragmuffin, indeed! 



Fine clothes often enable a naked savage to get by 
the ushers and sing grand opera in the choir. 

The modest and well-bred girl with kind and gentle 
ways never gets dumped in the divorce court. 



SAY, WHAT'S THE USE? 

The ants work hard and faithfully while the grasshoppers 

loaf and sing, 
But they're both destroyed by Death's impartial sting, 
And Nature plants more weeds than flowers, 
And everything succumbs to her mystic powers. 



The early bird may get the worm, but some damd old 
night-prowling cat that hasn't been to bed at all, may also 
get the bird, so what's the use of getting up so early? 



Cheating is picking the other fellow's pockets and 
robbing your own soul. 



If you had everything you wanted, the other fellow 
wouldn't have enough — he probably wouldn't even have 
a wife left. 



18 The Fool Killer 

Every soul that has the $-mark on it is uncivilized, 
and Old Nick has its address and telephone number stored 
away in his Date Book. 

Every mean thing you do causes the weeds to grow 
in your soul. 

SELFISHNESS is a Poisonous Jungle Weed that's 
rapidly destroying the Human Race. 

No wonder the Devil' ruptures his face laughing when 
he sees a $l,000-check that some multi-millionaire gouger 
has written to pay for a pew in some fashionable church 
within smelling distance of Haul Street. 

Owls must be Scotch, for they are always saying 
"Hoot! hoot!" 



Work is all right for mules and machinery, and when 
man reaches the wisdom stage he'll let those lackeys 
do the work while he dreams and plays. 

The milk wagon with the prettiest wheels doesn't 
always have the best milk. 

The high heel skirt that goes to public dances and 
kicks the floor all night with any male animal that wears 
cuffs at one end of his trousers and cigarettes at the other 
extremity, isn't going to get much of a husband when 
those creatures are passed around. 

The Rube who speaks of his wife as "my woman," 
very likely has a piece of calico that refers to him as 
"my man." It's horse and equine all right. 

When a man gets married he don't Want a piece of 
high heel calico that every Thomas, Richard and Harry 
has hugged and squeezed to ragtime music. He may not 
deserve anything better, but he is sure to want some- 
thing that hasn't the odor of a second-hand store about 
it 



The Fool Killer 19 

The political crook that struts the abbreviation 
"Hon." in front of his name, has got to let the people 
know it in some way. They would never have guessed 
it from his conduct. 



As you boobs have made hell out of this life by 
voting wrong, you can just as easily make it heaven 
by reversing your ballots. 

Getting something for nothing is the greatest trouble 
maker in the world. 

What would you think of the bird that wanted to 
corner all the wings in the world and get a chattel mort- 
gage on the sky? It would be decidedly human and 
probably belong to the Baptist church. 

The woman who Would rather have a poodle than a 
baby, isn't fit to be a mother anyway. She is a de- 
generate and should not attempt anything sacred like 
motherhood. 



The girl who would rather wear high heel shoes and 
learn to dance and play bridge than to cook, would be 
more or less of a joke as a wife and mother. 



The boy who likes cigarettes, booze, gambling and 
dissipation better than a clean life and honest work will 
be worse than a joke as a husband and father. He'll be 
a failure and a tragedy. 



When the useless and destructive activities of, a peo- 
ple exceed their constructive operations, they're " tobog- 
ganing toward the Bean Club and extinction, and Mon- 
sieu OBLIVION is opening the door for them. 



A grouch is a mental load that soon warps the mind 
and makes it crooked. 



A frown is a symptom of mental dyspepsia and in- 
tellectual belly-ache. 



20 The Fool Killer 

Flirting is cheating with the heart and swindling 
with the soul. 



It would take considerable black pigment to paint a 
picture of what future historians will think of the 
kaisers. 



A girl's education is incomplete, says the Leeton 
Times, unless she has learned to sew, to cook, to mend, 
to be gentle, to value time, to dress neatly, to avoid idle- 
ness, to be self-reliant, to respect old age, to keep a tidy 
house, to be above gossiping, to make home happy, to 
control her temper and to take care of a baby. 

shucks ! If she were all of that she'd be an 
ANGEL and St. Peter would be wiring her transporta- 
tion. 



A SKELETON KEY. 

Calico is a key to your safe, brother, and there are 
not many strong boxes it can't unlock. 



The Dollar that's got the nerve to walk into a first- 
class cafe now and say, "Howdy" to the menu card, is 
sure from the short grass country and hasn't been to 
town lately. 

YESTERDAY is Time's Cemetery, the Necropolis of 
Eternity. 

TODAY is Life's Orchard and Flower Garden. 
TOMORROW is only a Dream — a Rainbow Kiss. 

A rut is the longest road in the world. It starts 
from nowhere and ends at the same place. 



Some people would rather be in the swim than in 
the right. 

Wlhen the men learn how to hold a baby gracefully, 
it will be time enough then for them to twit the women 
on the way the latter sharpen a measley old lead pencil. 



The Fool Killer 21 

The female who is always complaining to her neigh- 
bors about the shortcomings of her husband, seldom has 
any trouble convincing them that she got the best of the 
bargain on their wedding day. 



Wrong ideas are not an education — they are mental 
weeds, the base materials that prejudice is made out of. 



CONTENTED IGNORANCE is what keeps most of 
the boobs back in the sticks where the owls dance with 
the chickens. 



LIFE TOO SHORT. 

There are so many things to learn and see, 

The days are all too short for me; 

If I could live a million years or more, 

My mental soil would not be poor, 

For I'd enrich it with all the garnered facts 

And the myriad flowers it so sadly lacks. 



What man knows is only a little drop of dirty water, 
but what he don't know is a Wild and Shoreless Ocean, 
whose vast and restless tides sweep on through all Eter- 
nity! 

OUR SYMPATHY. 

After studying the new and short dresses that are 
so popular and stylish at present — well, well, confound 
it! we're awfully sorry for all men who are blind — that's 
all. Yes, we really like the present styles — even at our 
age; and we a deacon in a picture show. 



The cuss who remains ignorant is playing Darkness 
with the Devil — and the Gloom of Oblivion will get him. 

Thinking is death to chains. Believing is a shackle 
factory. 



Beng a hypocrite is insulting yourself and calling 
your soul a liar. 



22 The Fool Killer 

Getting something for nothing is the basic error in 
our life and is the primary cause of nearly all our ills 
and toubles. It's the business way of picking pockets 
legally and the religious way of stealing ethically. 

Getting a great fortune at the expense of your health 
is like catching a fish that's so big it pulls you in the 
water and drowns you. Some fishing, to be sure, but 
not very satisfactory in its results. 

A cat's claws are its wings. 

A skunk's stink is its submarine. 



A RECKLESS DRIVER. 

Long as your stomach is your chauffeur, you'll ex- 
ceed the speed limits and go in the wrong direction. 

A POOR MIRROR. 

Every time a young man looks at himself through 
the bottom of a booze glass, he sees a face that is 
gradually becoming depraved and ugly — a face that can 
kill love by looking at it — a mug that the Rogues' Gal- 
lery is inviting to a place in its Hall of Oblivion. 

A mouse is not much of a quadruped in point of size, 
but the little fur-lined chigger can soon make a mighty 
big hole in a meal sack; and the same way with a small 
bad habit — it will soon gnaw the corners off your soul. 



A Fast Life is only Slow Death in a maze of cigarette 
smoke, booze fumes, ragtime music and soiled calico— 
the Fool's Paradise! 



CIVILIZATION is nothing much but behaving your- 
self and keeping your nose out of other people's affairs. 
It's the Golden Rule digested. 

Every mean, low-down and disreputable thing you 
do is an insult to the mother who bore you. Why not 
make her happy by doing the things that would cause 
her to be proud of you? 



The Fool Killer 28 

Slang is the garbage of language — the cigarettes of 
speech. 

Every road that leads downhill is a farewell pike, 
and can only be traveled in one direction. 

Most of the roads to hell are paved with gold, calico 
and booze. 

If your religion can't stand being criticised it is in 
the same class with the gold ring that's afraid of acids. 
Such a ring is not gold at all — only a base pretender; 
and the same with the religion that can't stand the acid 
test of criticism — it's just as spurious and should be re- 
jected. God never made a religion that's afraid to be 
criticised. All cowardly religions are man's handiwork 
and are being used by crooks and hypocrites to pick the 
pockets of fools. 



PLATONIC KISSING. 

A Platonic Kiss is a lip flivver with the kick left 
out — a sort of near-beer drink for a throat that's yearn- 
ing for moonshine. 



Kansas City has three permanent jokes — the Gas 
Company, the Met. Street Car System and the City Ad- 
ministration ! But they are not funny jokes at all, they 
are tragedies. Kansas City also has three drawbacks — 
the Republican Party is one of them and the Democratic 
Party is the other two. 



Giving up coffee is a great deal like trying to forget 
an old sweetheart and soul kisses. It may work in theory 
but coffee-kissed nerves are not much on theory — and 
the same with the lips that have sent wireless soul-kisses 
to the heart. Memory can't say good-bye to such lips. 
The best it can do is murmer au revoir. 

Your ignorance, Mike, is all that keeps you down, 
and the cost of living up. 



24 



The Fool Killer 




THE ETERNAL RACE THAT'S DESTROYING THE 

HUMAN RACE. 

As the cemetery is such a short distance down the street, 

How foolish to put wings upon our feet, 

And rush along with such soul-destroying speed, 

To gather up riches we will never need. 

How much better to sing and dream along the way, 

And enjoy the pretty flowers from day to day. 

Let's take our time to live and love away the restless 

years, 
Instead of doing the things that fill the world with tears. 
Let's be sane and sensible women and men, 
For when we're gone, we'll not pass this way again. 
We should leave a good and kind record on the Sands 

of Time — 
Footprints that leave no blood stains nor other marks 

of crime. 



, The Fool Killer _25 

The highest type of chivalry is the man who lets 
his wife select his neckties for him, and then tells his 
fellow boobs that she has better taste and judgment than 
he has. 



LANGUAGE FREAKS. 

Why is a fast mare considered a good thing, and a 
fast woman a bad thing? And why is a fat hog so 
prized and a fat man so despised? Probably for the 
same reason it is right for a women to iron but wrong 
for her to steal. 



There'd be no hell in this world if you boobs didn't 
vote for it. 



Never cross a river until you get to it, and not even 
then unless you are a good swimmer and have important 
business on the other side. 

Ignorance is a bird without wings, 

And to some kind of a cross it ever clings. 

LIFE'S LOADED GAME. 

Life is a game that billions and trillions have played, 
but all have lost. Nature is the dealer and stakeholder, 
and all who play her mystic Game of Chance, called Life, 
must lose. The smiling Old Siren has no favorites — 
grants no quarter, plays all comers and ever triumphs. 
For awhile she may let you win a few chips and make 
faces at the stars — just to lure you on, but at last she 
writes 30 cents above your Voiceless Mound, but quietly 
omits the 3. 



If your ideas need to be protected by law, they're 
not worth protecting. Get rid of such weak and useless 
ideas and acquire a set of ideas that can protect them- 
selves by their own intrinsic value. An idea that needs 
a legal chaperon is in the Imbecile Class. An opinion that 
needs a battleship for a pal is hovering mighty near 
the Thirty-cent Class and the Cerements of Oblivion will 
just about fit it. 



26 The Fool Killer ■ 

TAKE A LOOK AROUND. 

Take a look around the world today, my brother, 
and after silently viewing the countless dead, the oceans 
of hopeless and helpless cripples, the desolation, the 
World wrecks, the sorrows, the broken hearts and ruined 
lives, the world bankrupt and in ashes and tears — 
billions upon billions of appalling debts rearing their 
ghastly heads beyond the sky — myriads of ruined and 
desolated homes — billions and billions of property use- 
lessly destroyed — billions of foodstuffs and treasures se- 
pulchered far beneath the Restless Waves. • I say, gaze 
upon this picture of ruin and despair and then go off 
quietly in some peaceful and dreamy Old Orchard that's 
dozing in the Autumn Sun, sit down beneath some old 
apple tree that's fed your ancestors for generations and 
have a silent talk with yourself and see if you and your 
soul are willing to continue cultivating the kind of tree 
that has borne all this Dead Sea fruit? 



SOME STUNT. 

Arresting an individual and putting him in the hoos- 
gow on account of his opinions, is about as brilliant a 
stunt as shootng at the Fixed Stars with a .22-calibre 
pistol or making faces at the Noon-Day Sun with a 
tallow candle. Only capitalists with religous minds would 
be guilty of placing such pranks on themselves. 



Contented Ignorance has no wings and is the best 
slave in the world. 



We Socialists don't want to harm the Capitalists — 
we just want to arrange things so they can't harm us. 
We want to so change the laws and social customs that 
every one will have to do some useful and honest work 
in order to make a living. We are opposed to drones and 
parasites, and we consider all persons drones and 
parasites who render no just equivalent fo what they 
consume and use. We consider a certain amount of use- 
ful labor to be a requisite of health and man's normal 
condition. Idleness leads to dissipation and an insane and 
criminal life. 



The Fool Killer 



27 




FLY TIME UPSTAIRS. 

All baldheads look alike — to women, barbers and flies. 
It has always been a mystery to me why a fly would 
rather go afoot any time on a baldhead than to ride in 
a flivver or a Pullman with its fare prepaid. No one but 
a baldheaded boob fully realizes what a pest flies are. 
When I get to Heaven the first thing I'm going to ask 
St. Peter is if they have any flies up there, and if they 
have I might as well go right back to Wichita or Fort 
Worth. 



If I had been consulted about being born, I should 
have had the calamity indefinitely postponed, for ever 
since I drifted past my 40th birthday I reluctantly real- 
ized that there were already plenty of fools in this 
world without my butting into the game. 



28 The Fool Killbb 

Helping- others with their burdens always lightens 
our own loads a little, and throwing bouquets at the 
neighbors is a good way to plant flowers in our own yard. 

Foolishness is Ignoranie kicking itself in the slats 
with both feet and encoreing itself with both hands. 



AGE AND YOUTH. 

Age loves to wander in the Garden of the Past 

And there among the withered flowers and trees 
It finds oblivion from the Vagrant Years that melt so fast 
And fondly clasps the Mystic Hands that Memory 
sees. 
The years have killed its flowers and their ashes scattered 

wide, 
But their fragrance clings to Memory and has never died. 

Youth has no key to this Valhalla Dreamland, 

No cloud-tipped wings to reach this dim Arcadian 
Shore ; 

So it must stay without and roam the strand, 

Watch the Vagrant Clouds while drifting o'er; 

Chase the rainbows and Fancy's ever changing things, 

Until at last the years bring Memory's wings. 



IGNORANCE is a big diagonal hole in your pocket, 
and unless you sew it up with the Thread of Knowledge 
you're going to be mighty shy of cash all your life. 



THE KILLING ANIMAL. 

MAN is the greatest killing animal in all the world. 
He not only kills other creatures for food, but for pas- 
time. He calls this wanton and vicious destruction of 
smaller and weaker animals than himself "sport, hunt- 
ing," and greatly enjoys it. No other animal does such 
wicked and foolish things. Some of the other animals 
(the carnivora) will slay their fellow creatures when they 
are hungry and must have food, but soon as their hun- 
ger is appeased they cease the killing — they would not 
think of continuing to slay their fellow creatures for pas- 
time or "sport" like humans do. 



The Fool Killer J29 

THE PRIMEVAL VOICE. 

I should like to find an island in some far-off Tropic Sea, 
Where the Greedy Hand of Man could find no trace of me, 
And there among the flowers, the pretty birds and trees, 
To live and love and dream the very life I please. 

In that Fairy Dreamland besides the Mystic Sea, 

I could be happy as any bird, whose wings are ever free; 

And with my Sweetheart- Wife to help me dream the 

hours, 
We could be so free and happy with the birds and flowers. 

They would be our friends and neighbors, and from day 

to day, 
We'd all sing alto to the Jeweled Hours as they passed 

away; 
And when the Mellow Moonbeams kissed the Restless Sea, 
The Silvery Waves would come and sing with her and me. 



Those ignorant and vicious wretches who believe in 
an Eternal Hell are just about mean enough to deserve 
such a place themselves. 



When I see our dear Old Flag singing Freedom in the 

air, 
Something sweet and sacred stirs and tingles way in 

there. 
That is Patriotism — not the selfish and dollar kind, 
That never reaches deeper than the pocket and the rind; 
But When I see our emblem $-marked and descrated — 
Floating from Morgan's Christless rolk or other pirate 

craft, 
I become a (Rebel and Patriot — my muscles twitch — my 

fingers 
Itch — to pull a trigger, for I would rescue it from such 

vandal 
Company and restore it to the air — the common heritage 

of all. 
Our dear Old Flag was intended to represent Organized 

Humanity — 
Not Syndicated Rascality and Sanctified Greed! 



30 The Fool Killer 

Ideas that require force to propagate them will also 
need a battleship to keep them propagated. How foolish 
to waste our time and lives planting such venomous weeds 
and then building prisons for those who refuse to kow- 
tow to them. It would be just as sensible to arrest and 
imprison the honey bees, because they refuse to believe 
that the tumble bug's cargo is a basket of peaches. 



THE BEST WAY. 

A young man of 19 summers Writes from Columbia, 
Mo., and wants to know the best way to win a "very 
beautiful and shy young girl who is very exclusive and 
cold toward all us young fellows ?" 

Yes, Reginald, you came to the right place to acquire 
wisdom — and wisdom is digested and assimilated knowl- 
edge. You did not state the young lady's age, but as 
she is there to get an education and not to flirt with you 
frisky and immature young boobs, she is doing quite 
right to be exclusive and hold herself in the Aloof Class. 
A young lady who is exclusive and particular about her 
company, has evidently been Well and carefully reared 
in a first-class home by parents who are somebody, and, 
of course, she is a prize worth capturing. Let your 
habits and conduct be your references, and then try to 
obtain an introduction to the young lady through some 
proper channel. If you succeed in gaining entree to her 
social circles, then let the young lady see that you are 
the real thing in manhood and that she and her people 
won't ever have to be ashamed of you. 

But seriously, my boy, we'll bet a 3-bit piece that 
your folks sent you there to cop out an education and not 
to chase calico. When a boy's head is full of calico there 
isn't much room in it for anything else. 



The Truth is a Beautiful Thing, but it is so shy and 
modest it would rather slip off in the woods, wrap the 
vines and flowers about its delicate form, and dream at 
the Misty and Shoreless Stars alone while the birds and 
insects are singing a weird and perfumed alto in the 
Southwind. 



The Fool Killer 31 

PIETY — Respectable stupidity and ofttimes a cloak 
for rascality. 

POLITICS — Getting people's consent to pick their 
pockets. 

DIPLOMACY — Polite and sugar-coated lying. 

PESSIMIST — The cloudy cuss who always sees weeds 
among the flowers. 

OPTIMIST — The sunny cuss who always finds flow- 
ers among the weeds. 

DREAMS — Moving pictures on the brain-screen. 

FLATTERY — An Irish sword and Celtic morphine. 

MUSIC— A Perfumed Sound-Bath for the Soul. 



SOME RAIN. 

It would have to rain at the rate of 416 feet and 
8 inches a day for forty consecutive days to produce the 
amount of water mentioned in the Bible's flood story. 
Where in all creation did the Water Wagon ginks get 
that amount of moisture? A rain of ten inches in 24 
hours is considered a mighty big bit of wetness. The 
above yarn is a sample of the kind of junk and rubbish 
they stuff the children's minds with in Sunday school 
and church, in order to make them good — yes, good for 
nothing but bigots and trouble makers! If people can be 
made better by teaching them lies, why not abandon all 
facts arid teach nothing but falsehoods? If one lie is 
good for us, why wouldn't two lies be better? Ask Mr. 
Sabbath, and his answer will be: "You dirty, low-down, 
weezil-eyed, hog-jowled, knock-kneed, swivel- jointed, pot- 
gutted, hell-born whiskey-soak! you're on your way to 
hell and the Devil will gag to receive you!" Some argu- 
ment in that kind of language, eh? 



I never did have much sense (according to my pious 
and Heaven-bound neighbors) but some how or other I 
have managed to out-live most of them, and am still well 
and making an honest living outside the insane asylum. 

Singing about the "Sweet Bye and Bye" won't put 
any molasses in the Bitter Here and Now. 



32 The Fool Killer 

No woman is fit to be a man's wife and the mother 
of his children unless she loves him. Marrying without 
love is selling your soul to the Devil on credit, and the 
harvest will be HELLLLL! 



Ignorance is the only power that can keep people 
in chains and make them believe their shackels are 
Heaven-made jewelry. 



Those flowers that you were going to take over to 
your neighbor may be dead by TOMORROW and so 
may he. 



The Ignorant Mind is only a patch of poison weeds 
— a desert where reptiles creep and crawl, but, the Edu- 
cated Mind is a flower garden, an orchard Where birdies 
fly and sing — an emerald meadow where the South 
Wind drinks the nectared fragrance from the hawthorn 
fields. 



Don't waste any time nor money building a monu- 
ment over my Unconscious Dust — use it teaching others 
how to avoid my mistakes, and how to make the flowers 
outgrow the weeds, so this dear old world will be a better 
place to live. 



When you get too busy, lazy or indifferent to take 
care of your health, Nature will soon load you on the 
Swine Pullman and head you for the Cem. 



There are many ways a fly may get in our soup, 
but that makes no difference to us after we have dis- 
covered his flyship in our consomme. 



RELIGION is man's explanation of what he don't 
know and understand — his guess at Nature's mysteries. 



. LOVE is the Soul's efforts to expand and be happy 
— the Heart's wings longing for the air and Shoreless 
Sky. 



The Fool Killer 



33 




(From Appeal to Reason.) 

HOW IT'S DONE. 

It don't do the poor boobs any good to get more 
wages under the Capitalist System of private ownership 
of the industries and the things the workers must have 
in order to live, because these capitalists have the power 
to fix the prices on everything the workers need, and 
through that power they can nullify all wage increases. 
When they raise the workers' wages with one hand, they 
grab it right back again with the other hand by raising 
prices accordingly; so the poor simps are right back at 
the bottom of the ladder again — and there they'll stay 
till they get wise enough to cut that price string with 
their VOTES! Vote against the Hellish System that 
gives the capitalists such wicked and dangerous power. 
A Socialist vote is the only kind of a knife that can cut 
that string so it will stay cut. 



34 The Fool Killer 



A YOULESS TOMORROW. 

If YOU were not a part of tomorrow, 
It would indeed be a day of sorrow; 
All the clouds Would fill the sky, 
And every voice would weep and sigh, 
If YOUR voice sang not tomorrow. 

Every wing would droop and fold, 

Every flower would perish with the cold, 

And all the insects that hum the air 

Would find the earth so dead and bare, 

If YOUR feet pressed not the fields tomorrow. 

All the brooks that babble at the sky 
Would soon be frozen hard and dry, 
And every tree that shadowed in the stream, 
If no more you sought its shade to dream, 
Would cast its leaves tomorrow. 

All the cows out in the fields so green, 
And the sasy goats so lank and lean, 
Would all be sick and sad with sorrow, 
If YOUR face could not be seen 
When they wandered home tomorrow. 

Even the chickens in the garden and the yard, 
And the little birds that flit from tree to tree 
Would find the future drear and hard, 
If YOUR pretty face they could not see — 
When the twilight brought them home tomorrow. 

If your face so sweet and fair, 
With its eyes so kind and true, 
Were never mine no more to share, 
This world would all be sad and blue — 
And there'd be no Sun tomorrow. 



The Fool Killer 35 

If a man had the jumping abilities of a flea, in pro- 
portion to his size, he could jump a mile in three jumps; 
and if he had the lying ability of Billy Sunday and the 
Democrats, he could bamboozel Old Nick out of his job 
in less than one bam. 



I am very fond of flowers, but they won't do me 
any good on my grave — let me have them now. 



LIFE — A crawl and cry, a jump and a yell, a limp 
and a sigh, crape on the door, hole in the ground, DUST, 
Oblivion. 



DEATH is only the soft and silent Twilight of Eter- 
nity in which we kiss those that we love good-bye for- 
ever. 



The Missouri River is the greatest fruit tree in the 
state — because it bears currents every day in the year. 

The truth is the only thing that won't crack when 
you stretch it. 

NEEDLE— The dressmaker's pen — her key to the 
butcher shop. 

ALFALFA — Kansas clover — Sunflower blue grass. 

Marrying for money is selling your soul to the Devil 
on credit — a case of the Stomach swapping the Heart for 
a meal ticket. A hard and disreputable way of making a 
very poor living by proxy. 



There is no beauty equal to the internal or Soul- 
beauty; and it's the only kind that Time can't hang 
freckles on and wrinkle the stuffing out of. 



There is something sweet, complete and soul-satis- 
fying about doing right that nothing else can give — 
it perfumes the soul with a fragrance that never wears 
off; and at night it comes and sings alto in your 
dreams and fans you to sleep with angels' wings. 



36 The Fool Killer _^ 

ETERNITY. 

Eternity is that great Silent and Voiceless Darkness 

Where Time is not measured, 
That strange Dreamless and Comebackless Forever, 

Where rest those that we loved and treasured. 

Eternity is the great and Awful All — 

The Voiceless Deep calling unto Deep — 

The Echoless Chaos in whcih we fall, 
When Death has cradled us to Sleep. 

It is the Indestructible and Forevery ALWAYS, 

And embraces everything, including you and me, 

And after this fleeting speck of life decays, 
Our elements will surge in this Eternal Sea. 



A home without a mother is like a river without 
water, a garden without a flower, a world without color, 
and a Heart sans love. 



A RARE SCHOOL GIRL. 

While in Tecumseh, Neb., recently, we ran across a 
rare little high school girl by the name of Miss Helen 
Murphy. This beautiful and spiritual little miss of 16 
seasons was deploring the fact that the schools would 
soon be out, and she did so like to go to school and study. 

Now, boys, wouldn't that overtake your aeroplane 
and loan you a cargo of gasoline? Who ever heard of 
a youngster moaning because school would soon be put 
and play time would be on the carpet? The little imps 
are usually tickled to death when school is out and they 
can roam the streets and fields and do as they please. 
That's all right, Miss Helen, St. Peter has already re- 
ceived a polite request from this office to clear the blocks 
and swing the portals wide open when he hears the 
music of your little tootsies on the atmosphere. 



How long would it take a Topeka girl togged out in 
Omaha bloomers to slide down the Rainbow on a scoop 
shovel, stopping only at county seats? 



The Fool Killer 37 

If a woman had everything she wanted, what else 
would she want? And if a man had all he wanted, how 
long would it take it to kill him? 



The Devil has a warm place in his heart for the 
fellow that's afraid of work. 



A PLEASANT HOTEL. 

The hotel in Western, Nebraska, is a pleasant place 
to stop, for the landlady knows how to make her guests 
feel at home. In the office is a big card bearing the 
following: 

"Board, 50c a square yard — meals extra. Don't pay 
your bills — the hotel don't need any money. If you get 
dry at night you can find a spring under the bed. If you 
find the bed buggy and have a nightmare, hitch the 
mare to the buggy and take a ride. If you get hungry 
during the night, get out on the floor and take a roll. 
If you haven't stamps for your letters we have plenty 
of them to loan. If you feel like breaking up the fur- 
niture there is plenty more of it in town that we can 
buy. Checks cashed and money loaned without security. 
We are just running this hotel for our health and to have 
a good time; so don't hesitate to make yourself at home 
and have a good time." A guest that couldn't enjoy him- 
self at that hotel, must, indeed, be a grouchy pesimist. 



When a person once starts downhill everybody and 
everything give him a push and a shove and a kick with 
all fours and then spits on him for good measure; and 
when he reaches the bottom of the stairs with a bump and 
a slam, they shout down at him and want to know why in 
blazes he don't climb up on the roof again. Such is 
Capitalist life. 



It would hardly be safe to mention the Darwinian 
Theory to any self-respecting monkey that's familiar with 
human history; and especially to a simian that's been 
reading the war-bulletins from Europe. 



38 The Fool Killer 

. POTATO OMELET. 

(Polp) 

A few years ago "we wrote a potato omelet, and it is 
such an excellent feed, we have concluded to tell our 
readers how to prepare this nutritious and palatable dish. 
It is made out of potatoes and cheese and a few trim- 
mings. First, put a skillet on the fire and put a little 
water in it and bring it to a boil. While the water is 
gettng hot pare the potatoes and slice them up into small 
pieces, and when the water begins to boil put them in 
and thus cook them until they are done, but be careful 
and not cook them too much, and don't let them scorch. 
So arrange the amount, of* water that when they are 
cooked enough the water is just about all evaporated. 
Now put in a little good butter and some evaporated milk 
or real cream, a little celery salt and a little pepper and 
then add the grated cheese. Now keep stirring it until 
the cheese is all melted and it and the potatoes are all 
one mass, when it is ready to serve. 

Be careful to not get in too much nor too little of 
the cream or evaporated milk. If you haven't gor enough 
of the cream and butter it will be too dry and you won't 
be able to prevent it from scorching and sticking to the 
bottom of the skillet; and if you get in too much of the 
cream and butter it will be sloppy and won't taste just 
right; and the same with the celery salt and the pepper 
— not too much nor too little. The amount of cheese 
should be one-fourth the amount of the potatoes. If you 
are very fond of onions you can season this with onion- 
salt, and if you are fond of pimentoes, you can add a few 
of them — just about enough to season it and give a slight 
pimento flavor. If you should get it too thin and sloppy 
you can partly correct this by adding one or two Shredded 
Whole Wheat biscuits crumbled up finely and thoroughly 
stirred in with the omelet. This omelet is a perfect sub- 
stitute for meats and has none of the bad effects of meats. 
This omelet along with some good whole meal bread and 
butter and some raw tomatoes or raw or friend onions 
and a drink (milk or coffee, make a perfect meal. If 
you can't get the tomatoes or onions some fruit, such as 
grapes, peaches, pears, dates, figs, prunes or fried apple* 



The Fool Killer 39 

go nicely with the omelet. Fried mush goes perfectly 
with it and so does smear kase. Monkey bread (cocoanut) 
goes nicely with it and you can use a little peanut butter 
on the bread if you like. 

MAK'S CABBAGE DISH. 

Boil sliced cabbage in a little water till it is well done 
and then add a little good butter, celery salt and pepper 
and a little sour cream, and let it simmer in these for 
ten mnutes on a slow fire. Chop the cabbage up fine and 
have the water boiling before you put it in. Be careful 
to not have too much water nor too little and watch it 
and not let it burn. The amount of water should be so 
gauged it will just about be all evaporated when the cab- 
bage is cooked enough. This sour cream gives it a pe- 
culiar and a delicious flavor. The amount of the celery 
salt and pepper to suit the taste. The cream should be 
slightly sour. 



MAK'S OYSTER STEW. 

SteW the oysters in a little milk that is about half 
cream, and when they are cooking, season with a little 
celery salt and black pepper. When they are done and 
ready to serve ad about one-fourth of their amount in 
sour cream and stir this in with the soup thoroughly. 
This gives a peculiar and a most delicious flavor. The 
cream for this should be slightly sour. 



SOOLK. 

A rare dish of peculiar and delicious flavor can be 
made in this way. Cook together in soft water (dis- 
tilled water is best) equal parts in weight of ripe Malaga 
grapes and ripe persimmons. Have the water boiling be- 
fore you put in the fruit, and the latter should be well 
crushed before putting it in the water. To a quart of 
this add four tablespoons of pulverized sugar, one tea- 
spoon of finely grated nutmeg, six tablespoons of malted 
milk, six ounces of good blackberry brandy and eight 
ounces of real cream. Boil the fruits for about five 
minutes first and then add the other ingredients and let 
the whole thing simmer for five minutes on a slow fire. 



40 The Fool Killer 



This can be kept in jars or bottles and if kept corked 
up tight it will keep for months. This goes nicely over 
oatmeal or any of the breakfast foods or cake, or just 
by itself. A dish of this Soolk with a cup of good coffee 
or chocolate and a few oatmeal or graham crackers or 
Nabisco, make an excellent and dainty little breakfast or 
supper where one does not want a hearty meal. It also 
goes nicely with monkey bread, and one may use a little 
peanut butter on the bread if he likes. This dish, the 
name and all, is one of Mak's concoctions, and makes one 
feel ..romantic, poetical, sentimental and young. 



GOOD BY, NEMAHA. 

Greedy Man, in his senseless and shameless ^-chase 
has desecrated and raped the beautiful Nemaha River up 
in Nebraska. The shameless and $-marked barbarian has 
robbed this wild and beautiful little rio, with the Indian 
moniker, of its old ancestral bed and has it tucked away 
into a dirty, grassless and treeless ditch, and now the 
poor little helpless thing cannot sing its primeval songs to 
the Eternal Stars anymore. It looks like a disgraced 30- 
cent piece that never had a 3 and borrowed its cipher 
from the Indians. The poor little feral stream, the erst- 
while friend and companion of the Mighty Buffalo and 
the weird and Stately Elk — the boon pal of the Booming 
Prairie Chicken and the shy and modest Antelope, is now 
destitute of all romance and beauty and is ashamed to 
look at the Kastelated Stars and say howdy to the Wild 
Prairie Flowers. It looks like a dirty and shameless 
tramp that's lock-stepping his way to Rulo in quest of a 
hand-out and booze. Commercialism makes Man a ruth- 
less and shameless vandal, and in his mad currency-chase 
he has no respect for Nature and her grand and beautiful 
works. 



KNOWLEDGE AND IGNORANCE. 

Ignorance is the only darkness, and knowledge is the 
only light. 

Ignorance is a weed and knowledge is a flower. 
Ignorance is a cloud and knowledge is sunlight. 



The Fool Killer 41 

Ignorance is a chain and knowledge is a wing. 

Ignorance is discord — knowledge is harmony. 

Ignorance is a stench — knowledge is a perfume. 

Ignorance is disease and knowledge is health. 

Ignorance is failure and knowledge is success. 

Ignorance is hate — knowledge is love. 

Ignorance is tallow-candle — knowledge is the noon- 
day sun. 

Ignorance is a fly-in-the-milk — knowledge is an Eagle 
against the purple sky. 

Ignorance is a stagnant pool — knowledge is the Rest- 
less Ocean. 

Ignorance is starvation — knowledge is nutrition. 

Ignorance is decay and death — knowledge is growth 
and life. 

The bird that flies the highest is often only a buzzard 
taking a cloud-vacation. 

RAILROAD MEN. 
The editor of this Bean Storm has had a wide and 
extensive experience with railroad men, and he feels 
competent to pass judgment on the boys. According to 
the politicians and the Big Skinners of Labor, railroad 
men are only human beings about two weeks before elec- 
tion. The rest Of the time they are "just damned railroad 
men!" These Knights of the Toot-Toots may be a little 
dirty on the outside (owing to the nature of their work) 
but we are here to tell you that they are the whitest set 
of men on the inside that we ever found in all our sojourn 
on this wicked and wobbly old globe. Of course, there are 
a few renegades among them, but take them as a class 
and they are bright, alert, cheerful, brave, kindhearted, 
generous, courteous and gallant to women folks and chil- 
dren. They're always "Johnny-on-the-Spot" and faithful, 
and are not to blame for poor railway service the public 
has to put up with. These brave and patient lads are 
always in favor of a square deal and are ever ready to 
lend a helping hand to those in distress. They are proud 
and sensitive and quick to resent a wrong or insult. The 
most of them are loyal and steadfast and are good to 
their wives and little ones. It's true the railroad boys 
are very fond of calico, but the boob that isn't fond of 



42 The Fool Killer 



cerese and ribbons doesn't amount to shucks and isn't 
worth a mess of mushrooms that grow on toadstolls! We 
sent a wireless some years ago to St. Peter to let the rail- 
road boys pull right in anyway and "tie up for 24 hours' 
sleep," and to see that the blocks were all clear whenever 
he saw one of them "heading in" for the "Pearly Gates;" 
but Hight-Gate-Pete wired back that our request was 
unnecessary, as he had millions of the boys on the inside 
already, and they had all proven to be worthy and such 
good celestial citizens that he always cleared the blocks 
whenever he had a wireless that another crew was headed 
his way; and the poor devils who had to work on the 
Frisco and the Central Branch, he always personally 
introduced them to President God and asked General Man- 
ager Christ to get up and let them have his seat awhile. 
These brave men ought to have double the wages they 
are receiving, shorter hours and better working condi- 
tions, and when they get hurt and are unable to work, • 
they should receive free medical treatment until they are 
well and also full pay during the time they are incapaci- 
tated; and in case their injuries are incurable, they ought 
to be retired on a good pension. 

We hereby drink a bumper of Nebraska cream flav- 
ored with Missouri clover and Kansas alfalfa, to the boys 
who keep the toot-toots in motion and the wires talking 
through space. 

The Devil has a great big warm spot away down in 
the bottom of his sooty heart for the man that is mean 
to his wife and kiddies and neglects them for booze, to- 
bacco and Dollie-Chickens; and if we had St. Peter's job 
those renegades would have a hell of a time getting in. 

Good-behavior and courtesy are two keys that will 
unlock more doors than you can ever enter. 

Your conduct will either put you on the map or the 
hog-train. 

The best way to be successful and popular is to be- 
have yourself, be kind and courteous and mind your 
own business. 



The Fool Killer 43 

No matter how beautiful and artistic your nose is 
it will never make much of a hit in other people's affairs. 

You'll never accumulate much of a bank account by 
being honest and decent, but you'll soon have a soul- 
credit running up into the millions. 

The woman who has servants to wait on her and who 
dawdles away her life wearing diamonds, playing bridge- 
whist for a booby-prize and fondling a bulldog and fliver- 
ing around with a good-looking chauffeuer, instead of 
doing some honest and useful work and raising a few 
children, is a naked odor that's enough to make any self- 
respecting turkey-buzzard become a vegetarian and florist. 



Selfishness and bad-habits will soon slam every door 
in your face. 

If you want to find out how much you amount to in 
this wobbly old world of war-taxes and frenzy, just take 
one drop of water out of the ocean and then ask the Big 
Wet if it's lost anything lately. 

I'd rather be alone on the right side of a question 
than to be President of the multitude on the other side. 



Long as your soul is giving you an E-mark every 
night you don't need to worry much about what your 
neighbors think of you. 

Quit gouging each other and behave yourself and 
you'll find heaven all around you. 

You can't tell a lie without stepping on your own 
soul. 

The main trouble is caused by keeping to many 

brainless days. 

Every mean thing you think and do makes you 
uglier and older. 

Every time you fail to do your duty, your soul calls 
you a slacker. 



44 The Fool Killer 



The more you forget yourself the more others will 
remember you. 

Good ideas are tools that can be used in any trade 
or profession. 

The years don't travel very fast, but they keep 
everlastingly at it — and that's why they win every race 
and write the word victory over every battlefield. 

Married men make the best soldiers because they 
know how to obey orders and have lost all fear of death. 

When I look in a person's face I can tell whether 
there's anybody upstairs or not. 

A useless life is a weed existence — a poison tare, and 
no one can lead such a life without sliping back toward 
the Jungle. 

Burden, Kansas, miust be quite a load on the Sun- 
flower-State. 

Doing nothing is an admission that you are a failure, 
and Old Horns has you spotted. 

The failure that's not a quitter won't long to be a 
failure. 

An ignorant mind is the darkest place in the world. 

If you want your wives to be young and beautiful 
you must make them happy. Happiness and health are 
the only beautifiers. 

Every mean thing you do helps to rope your own 
Nancy Animal. 

Beating your debts is pulling feathers out of your 
own wings. 

Every good deed is a shower that irrigates the flow- 
ers in your soul. 



The Fool Killer 45 

Every smile is an asset and every frown a liability. 

Love-Kissing is Writing- Eternal Poetry on the heart 
— painting Landscapes in the soul. 

The woman who requires a maid to help her dress 
and undress is either an invalid or a joke on herself. 



The Devil always chuckles gleefully to himself when- 
ever he sees a Childless Society Woman autoing around 
with a bulldog and a good-looking chauffeur. 

The highest flying bird in the world is a buzzard; 
and the loftiest flying human-bird, from a financial stand- 
point, belongs to the same species. 



JUST A DREAM. 

Just a little sunshine — 
Just a little dew and rain, 
To revive the pretty flowers, 
And make them bloom again. 

Just the little birdies, 
To fly and sing the air — 
I like to hear their voices, 
Lifting in the orchards — everywhere. 

Just a little leafy cottage — 
Far back among the trees, 
Where the lowing of the cattle 
Comes drifting on the breeze. 

Where the wild and Vagrant Moonbeams, 
Play shadow-tag among the trees — 
Painting landscapes in the birdies' dreams, 
And Fairy-dancing on the summer breeze. 

Just a little Sweetheart-wife, 

To dream these dreams with me — 

And when the Evening Shadows touch our life, 

To love me on through all Eternity. 



46 



The Fool Killbk 



The sewing-machine is the dressmaker's typewriter. 



SCHEMERS AND DREAMERS. 




"Stay with it, man, and "Thanks! I'll now re- 

'make good !' " lieve you P 

(From the Melting Pot.) 
Yes, Henry, it does you a lot of good to '"make 
good," under the present system. You work like hell 
early and late and sweat in summer and freeze in winter 
and partly starve all the time to produce the world's 
crops and all the other good and needful things and then 
tug and climb like a galley-slave to carry these good 



The Fool Killer 47 

things to the top of the ladder (the market) and when 
you get there and about to realize your dreams and cash 
your hopes, some lazy and worthless parasite relieves 
you of your cargo and you drop back to the bottom of 
the ladder empty-handed and naked — and even have to 
buy your own court-plaster and bandages to bind up your 
bruises and broken limbs. Henry, why not fasten both 
ends of that ladder to the Government, and then when 
you reach the top (the market) you won't be robbed and 
let fall back to the bottom empty-handed and naked? A 
Socialist-vote is a staple that will fasten that rope to the 
Guv. 

Producing a big crop under capitalism helps the 
workers who produce it just like the osprey is fattened 
by catching a big fish — there's a lazy and dishonest Big 
Eagle watching the osprey, and soon as he sees the 
osprey has caught a big fish he swoops down on the 
smaller bird and takes the fish away from it. The eagles 
are the landlords and bankers of the bird tribes. 

If the ospreys could remely their misfortunes With 
such a simple remedy as their votes, they would probably 
be intelligent enough to do so. Why should humans con- 
tinue to be robbed by the Buzzards and Eagles of their 
own species when they have such an easy and simple 
way of banishing these birds of prey? Whisper this 
question in both ears at once and look at your stupid self 
in the glass at the same time, and then drop down on 
your empty belly and kick yourself with all 4's until you 
become intelligent enough to find your own navel without 
a compass and a chart. Wake up, Rube, and vote 'em off 
your back. 

Poetry is the music of language — the Southwind 
Waltz of speech. 

Music is the poetry of sounds — the cream of tone- 
vibrations. 



As Nature has given every human being one mouth 
and two hands to pull grass for it, she evidently did not 
intend that this earth should be disgraced with drones. 



48 The Fool Killer 

The persons who put out food for the birds when 
there's a deep snow on the ground, wouldn't have to do 
much knocking on the Pearly Gates if I had St. Peter's 
job. 

Socialism would arm the people with wings instead 
of machine-guns. 

WHO WOULD RAISE THE CROPS? 

Now that a Christian Nation has captured Palestine 
and the "Holy Land," there seems to be a widely exist- 
ing sentiment all over Christiandom that this historical 
and natural habitat of the Jews should be restored to 
them, and that they should be made safe in their occu- 
pancy of it for all time, and that they should be free to 
make their own laws and live their lives as they see fit — 
free from all outside interference or control. Such a plan 
is ; historically poetical and appeals strongly to our feel- 
ings and sense of fairness, and we favor it, but as they 
would all want to make a living by loaning money or 
selling old clothes, who would raise the crops and feed 
them? 



Man never gets too old nor to wise to make a fool 
of himself often occasionally or several times in a semi- 
while. 



Love and money are the only things that speak all 
languages and laugh at trouble. 

Minding- Your-Own-Business is the greatest Peace 
Maker in the world, and would soon close every law- 
office and gun-factory in the world. 

A Fly or a Match is not much of a gatling-gun in 
point of size, but when it comes to deadly potency the 
one is an armanda of submarines and the other one is 
an aerial flotilla. 



Virtue is only sexual integrity and calico-righteous- 
ness, and looks mighty good to most people after they 
get too old to be frisky any longer. 



The Fool Killer 



49 



A landless people become weak and wobbly, uncer- 
tain and immoral — just like a house becomes shaky and 
unsafe when its foundation is saped. 



A FEW JACKAS DONTS. 

(By The Jakas.) 



jbI'Ij 


wBn3k 

Mrm 



Mr. Jacksonass, a quiet, modest and well-behaved animal that 
man slanders through envy. 

1. I don't flirt nor divorce my top-grass at the 
equator to balance my beans. 

2. I don't dip snuff, smoke opium and cigarettes 
nor chew gum and tobacco. 

3. I don't wear corsets, high-heel shoes, spectacles 
nor filed teeth. 

4. I don't take medicine, get vaccinated nor die of 
syphillis, cancer, paralysis and insanity. 

5. I don't play poker and football, hang around 
saloons and frequent the "Red-light District." 

6. I was never in debt, the penitentiary, insane 
asylum nor congress. 

7. I don't beat my debts nor wife, don't dodge my 
taxes, no grand- jury ever indicted me, and my picture is 
shy in the Rogue's Gallery. 

8. I don't waste my money on booze, tobacco, gamb- 
ling and other women, and then tell my wife she is very 
extravagant and will have to cut down on the household 
expenses. 



50 The Fool Killer 



9. I don't build battleships and Krup-guns, never 
carried a revolver nor bowie-knife, and wouldn't be guilty 
of persecuting my fellow jackases on account of their 
opinions and nationality. 

10. I don't lie and cheat, adulterate foods and drinks 
and short-Weight my customers all week, and then go 
to some fashionable church on Sunday and sing "I Want 
to Be An Angel" and "0 How I Love Jesus." 

11. I don't use profanity, was never baptised nor 
divorced, and wouldn't think of deserting my wife and 
children. 

12. I never joined the church, don't burlesque re- 
ligion nor Dan Patch dollars with a baseball-cross and 
slang. 

13. I live with my own wife and don't swat the 7th 
Commandment, and was never arrested for breach-of- 
promise nor bigamy. 

14. I don't go to law nor the cabarets, was never 
pinched for a slacker nor embezzled trust-funds. 

15. I don't belong to a "Labor Union" and boast oi 
being a "unionraan" and then vote a scab-ticket at every 
election. 

16. I'm not the kind of a "patriot" that decorates 
my clothes and automobiles with flags and then steer 
clear of the recruiting station. I have no country of my 
own, but I'm to self-respecting to help the Kaiser. 

17. I was never operated on for "appendicitis;" 
don't go to Hot Springs, and have no use for "Cotton- 
Root Pills" and the "Keley Cure." 

18. And I'm not foolish enough to worry and work 
myself to death for others in order to get a chance to 
support myself; neither is my moniker on the Arrival 
Book at the Foolish Works; in fact, I'm not such a dam 

jackas as lots of people think I am. 

■i ii ■ 1 1 ' 

You can't cheat others without swindling yourself. 

There are thousands of people in Kansas City (under 
a capitalist administration) who are so poor if turkeys 
were selling for 3 cents a dozen, the couldn't watch a 
bluejay fly across the streets on the installment plan. 



The Fool Killer 51 

DIFFERENT VIEWPOINTS. 

Most everything looks different when viewed from a 
different angle and when looked at by different minds. 
This point is well illustrated by the reply Little Willie 
made to his mother's criticism of the way be buttered 
his bread. The greedy youngster was putting very lib- 
eral quantities of butter on one side of his bread, and 
just as liberal portions of peanut butter on the other 
side, and quite a liberal supply of honey around the edges. 
His mother watched him quietly for awhile, and then 
with a surprised air inquired: "Why, Willie, that is very 
extravagant to put two kinds of butter on your bread and 
then honey around the edges!" 

"No, mamma, it is economical." 

"How so, my son?" 

"Why," said Willie with a roguish twinkle in both his 
lamps, "the same piece of bread does for all three.'" 

And the young wag was quite right from his view- 
point, and the mother was just as right from her angle 
of view. All children should be taught from their earliest 
infancy to never dislike nor illtreat people on account of 
their opinions or nationality — nor on account of the kind 
or style of clothes they wear. Human tastes and ideas 
differ so widely, and we are all so weak, ignorant and 
falible, it is very foolish and egotiscal for any of us to set 
ourselves up as judges and censors for the remainder of 
the aggregate bunch. 



Yesterday and tomorrow are the two best days for 
doing mean things, but TODAY is the only time for pull- 
ing off good stunts. 



Knowledge is an asset — a bank account that never 
runs low — A Good Old Friend to help you wherever you 
go ; but — 

Ignorance is a liability — A perpetual debt on th* 
grow — 

A (Relentless Enemy to plague you wherever you go. 

Belief is confidence in what you don't know — an over- 
draft on the mind. 



52 The Fool Killer 

I don't feel half so bad about being foolish since I've 
lived long enough to have discovered that about ten peo- 
ple out of every nine are traveling in the same jolly boat. 

We don't like to be ethnolojikaly curious, but we 
should like to know what Would become of the Jews if 
there were no garlic, onions and money in the world? 

Wouldn't it be a thriller to read a history of the 
Human-race written by the other animals? 

Under Socialism when we throw brickbats at others 
we will only hit ourselves; therefore, only flowers will be 
used as missiles. 



Art is the Poetry of Colors — the music of shade and 
light. 

The boob who hires others to think for him will al- 
ways be at the bottom of the ladder and clinging to some 
kind of a cross or crutch. 



Love — That Strange and Mysterious Something that 
causes a 300-pound man to let a 90-pound woman boss 
him. 

All people are fools, but only a few are aware of 
it; in fact, I'm several kinds of a dam fool myself, but 
am almost as well aware of it as my neighbors are. 



Many a poor boob would stay home at night if his 
wife's company were worth keeping. It's a poor sort of 
a skirt that a gink will desert for a saloon and its bar- 
flies. 



SOME NAMES. 
There's not much in a name after all, unless it is the 
finale at the omega of a bank check; for instance, we 
know of an old maid in Missouri who is dying of tuber- 
culosis, and her name is Wedding; and about the warmest 
proposition in the calico line we ever ran across, was a 
young grass-widow away out in the wilds of Kansas 



The Fool Killer 53 

anmed Isa Snow; and then there was Mr. Slim Lean, of 
Arkansas, who attained the enormous altitude of four 
feet and seven and one-half inches and weighed 692 
pounds in the shade; then there's Mr. William Sassy, of 
Missouri, a mild and gentle little cuss who is so timid and 
modest he wouldn't sass his wife's relatives by proxy; 
and one of the softest and easiest men I ever met was 
Mr. Hardy Stone, of Iowa; likewise, the blackest negro 
we ever saw bore the strange name — Snow Whit;e and 
one of the fairest and prettiest golden-haired blonds we 
ever saw was Miss Inkey Darke Black, of Kentucky; 
and not long ago we were called to see a gentleman who 
weighed 68 pounds after meals and was a hopeless 
paraletic, and when I discovered that his moniker was 
Mr. Sampson Strong, I was almost paralyzed myself; then 
there was Mr. Little Stub Short of Rhode Island, who was 
only seven feet and nine inches up as the Honey Mer- 
chant buzzes; and he was a good match for Mr. Lenticus 
Longfellow Long, of Vincenus, Ind., a modest little top- 
not cher who grew up amidst the slu-grass and cattails of 
the Wabash River until he reached the phenominal alti- 
tude of three feet and one inch. 

The smartest cuss We ever met rejoiced in the in- 
nocent and misleading name — Algernon Greenleaf Green; 
and about the stupidest Gink that ever stooped was Mr. 
Brainard Gilroy Smart, of Ohio, who gave away his farm 
and all his other property to avoid paying taxes and 
then joined church and eloped with his mother-in-law to 
spite his wife. Thompson's historic colt that swam the 
Wabash River to avoid getting wet by the rain, had noth- 
ing much on Mr. Brainard Gilroy Smart; and there was 
Old Mr. P. M. Hinds who was the foremost and leading 
citizen of Damfino, Mo., and who was always up with the 
chickens and sparrows, and was the leader of the local 
band and always in the front of every procession. 

Mr. Beardley Beard, of Fort Wayne, Indiana, never 
wore a beard in his life; and Mr. Cutting Taylor of Tulsa, 
Oklahoma, couldn't cut out the cigarette habit nor a 
Chinaman who was skating with his skirt, let alone cut- 
ting out a suit of clothes and making them; and Mr. 



54 The Fool Killer 

Kalikut Lyttle Kradel, of Bird Center, Iowa, was a 
macadamized old bachelor, and the very thought of calico 
or a cradle gave him zero weather of the vertebrae; and 
Mrs. Melba-Sousa-Museik, of Hutchison, Kansas, couldn't 
tell ragtime from sacred music without consulting the 
program, nor Yankee Doodle from Dixie without assist- 
ance; and not many years ago Mr. Morgan Rothschild 
Riche died a pauper in New York City; and Mr. Lyttle 
Poore Lowe, of Tacoma, Washington, is a multi-million- 
aire, and is seven feet three inches tall and only weighs 
476 when he is run down and not feeling well; and there 
was Miss Constance Virginia Wright, of New Orleans, 
who constantly went wrong and died of a social disease 
in the Crescent City a few years ago; and Miss Irene 
Belle Fairman of Fairfax, Va., was about the homeliest 
Woman that ever homed — in fact, her face was a Keeley 
Cure for Love and all kindred affections; and Prof. Harry 
Baldman of Paducah, Ky., had the heaviest and bushiest 
mop of sky-grass we ever lamped; and Mr. Finley Water- 
man Fish, of Peekskil, N. Y., never drank water, had no 
fins nor skales, and the first time he went swimming 
got drowned; and Dr. Andrew Hugh Bear, of Beaver 
Dam, Wisconsin, drew Miss Amity Patience Love of 
Battle Creek, Michigan, to his heart and tried to vaccinate 
her with a bear hug and a Nat Goodwin-Olga Nethersole 
kiss, but the fair Michigoos deftly sidestepped his center- 
rush, pitched a left swing to his right glim, swotted him 
in the slats with her parasol, kicked him below the 
equator with both hind wheels, yanked a handful of sky- 
grass from his fly-pasture, and then — had him pinched 
for assault and battery. 

Mr. Badaxe up in the Thumb of Michigan was such 
a good and satisfactory Indian, the whites named the 
town after him as a token of their esteem and good- 
will. 

Mr. Timothy Barley Otes, of North Dakota, recently 
married Miss Winnie Reyfield Wheat, of Minnesota, and 
as the happy cereal pair meandered down the isle of the 
church after the marriage ceremony had been pronounced 
by the Rev. Kornelius Greene Hay, the organist, Miss 



The Fool Killer 55 

Prudence Cook Beans, either thoughtlessly or maliciously 
played the old Methodist hymn: "What Will The Harvest 
Be?" 

Mr. Upham Plum Strait, of Savannah, Ga., was one 
of the lowest-down degenerates and all-around crooks that 
ever wore out time in a prison; and Miss Joy Divine 
Goode, of Providence, R. L, married an old hick by th* 
name of Leon Griswold Gunn, from somewhere up in 
the pines of Vermont, and who was pining for matrimony 
and trouble, and in less than 18 months she poisoned him 
for his life insurance and eloped with his nephew; and 
Miss Berry Plum, of Peach Tree, Alabama, never cared 
for fruit at all, but ate enough meat to be classed with 
the karnivori; and Mr. Art Penn Painter, of Grand View, 
Oregon, was not an artist at all, except in his internal 
capacity for storing booze and food-supplies. 

We like to see people live up to their names, like Mr. 
Woodbury Allmen Coffin, of Blue Earth, Minn., who 
follows the cheerful and steady occupation of undertaker; 

and Herr Fuller Tubbs Tank, of Alliance, Ohio, who runs 
a brewery; likewise, Miss Hattie Bonnette Lydd, of 
Terrel, Texas, who used to conduct a millinery store; and 
then there was Miss Prudence Patience Kidd, a life- 
long school teacher in the kindergarten schools of Lowell, 
Mass. ; but she had nothing on Miss Leone Lyons Taymor, 
who used to travel with the Selspaw and Fore Bros, 
circus and ride lions and waltz with the tigers every day 
and night; nor on Miss Tina Little Bird, of Bird Point, 
La., who raises canaries, humming-birds and wrens for a 
living; and Mr. Beaman Sweet Hyve, of Honey Bend, Va., 
who crossed his bees with lightning bugs so as to get 
a breed that could see to work at night as well as all 
day, was something -of an artist, too, in his line; and Mrs. 
Goldie Lockes Hare, hairdresser, of Atlanta, Ga., and 
her husband, Harry Kutting Hare, barber, wasn't a 
hairbreadth behind the rest of the Consistent Bunch; 
and we mustn't let Mr. Locke Sells Keys, warden of an 
Eastern penitentiary, escape a place in this list of im- 
mortals. Say fellows, what's the use? 



56 The Fool Killer 

Ignorance is the most useless and expensive thing 
in the world, and is warranted to keep you at the bottom 
of the ladder. 



Knowledge is legal tender and at par in all countries 
and cannot be counterfeited. 



IN HIS OWN PASTURE NOW. 

Mr. Jak Bull recently married Miss Irene Goodpasture, 
so reports a Missouri exchange. Well, it is our sincere 
wish that the gentleman with the taurene moniker never 
gets tired of his Goodpasture. 



THE FORD GOT STUCK. 

Away out in the wilds and tames of Kansas, Mr. 
Ford recently married Miss Stuck. 

That's a case where a good new Ford got Stuck 
when the roads were not muddy; however, we hope he'll 
get out all right without getting some farmer to help 
him. 



If it takes two apples to make a pair, how many 
plums would it take to make a peach? 



As a piano has more than 80 keyes, why can't it 
unlock its own case? 



If it's proper to call a rabbit a hare, why wouldn't 
it be equally proper to call a duck a feather? 



A bank account may not be able to speak gramattic- 
ally, but its language is readily understood and respected 
by all nationalities. 



Giving people wings after they're dead and don't need 
transportation is about as brilliant a stunt as providing 
the boobs with a banquet after they have starved to 
death. We're denied flowers all our lives and then our 
brilliant neighbors decorate our graves with a few joy- 
weeds and imagine they're given us an artistic send-off. 



The Fool Killer 



57 




JUST DREAMING 

Of the dear days of yester-year, 
And in the waters of every stream, 
She sees some faces drifting near — 
Forms that shadow every dream. 



58 



The Fool Killer 






MOUTHOLOGY. 

1. Is the easy-going, lazy and sensuous mouth that 
is vain, fickle and unreliable. A come-and-kiss-me mouth. 

2. Is the sneering, jealous and suspicious mouth — 
the eavesdropper and spy — the sneak and incendiary. 

3. Is the leader — the ambitious, planning and ener- 
getic mouth. 

4. The Well-balanced mouth that is quiet and steady 
and reliable. 

5. The sub-boss — he looks to those higher-up for 
his ideas and authority — a rut-traveler — an orthodox ani- 
mal. 



IMMORTALITY is merely the Primal Urge in us 
crying for Cosmic Expansion in order to be coeval with 
ETERNITY. 



Just think of giving Jay Gould, Vanderbilt, Morgan 
and Rockelfeler a harp and telling them to stick around 
and twang on that thing forever and that would be 
"Heaven." If they couldn't organize the boobs up there 
and syndicate the place and convert it into a Dollar- 
Chase, it wouldn't be much of a heaven to them. 

And if they didn't give Reubens, Angelo, Rembrandt, 
Bonheur and the other great artists a brush and some 



The Fool Killer 59 

paint, instead of an orchestra, they'd have a hard time 
making the place a heaven for those pigment slingers. 
And imagine Edison, Tesla, Napoleon, Roosevelt, Bryan, 
Byron, Poe, Bill Nye, Mark Twain, Carrie Nation, Ty 
Cobb, John L. Sullivan, Sarah Bernhardt, Shakepeare, 
Ingersoll, Charlie Chaplin and Gov. Capper wasting Etern- 
ity trying to play a harp! 



If it is not right to punish one for what his grand- 
parents did, then why are we compelled to pay interest 
on the debs they contracted before we were born? 



HER ANTHROPOLGJIKAL STATUS. 

Miss Queenie Evanjelene Wild wood of Damfino, Mo*, 
writes to acquire our learned and infalible opinion in re- 
gard to her proper anthropolojikal status. She says in 
her letter: "My father was German, English and Irish, 
and my mother is French, Spanish and Indian — so what 
and I?" Well, Miss Queenie, as near as we can diagnose 
the case, your male projenitor was a plain Duke's Mix- 
ture, and your dam is a Coko Cola Cocktail seasoned with 
Chili Concarne and Cactus Plant, and that would make 
you only an ordinary botel of Expurgated and Revised 
Peruna, flavored with a little sawdust and Ozark poetry. 



The Human Mind often finds its greatest pleasure in 
riding Memory back through the Vast and Voiceless Past. 



The most ignorant man in the world is the cuss who 
knows a great deal that is not so. 



Time is Nature's undertaker, and the Past is the 
Cemetery of the Ages — the Necropolis of Eternity. 



If your husband prefers to go down town at night 
without you on his arm, and boozel-woozel up and down 
the Pikadily (12 street) and cigarezel along The Strand 
(Grand avenue) that is pretty conclusive evidence that 
there are several little Petticoat Lanes in his heart that 
your tooties don't know how to tango. 



60 The Fool Killer 

If your neighbor's wife fits your heart so exactly 
and entirely that you want to elope with her, don't do 
that, but go to her husband like a man and tell him that 
you have such great faith in his judgment of women that 
you want him to pick out a soul-pal for you. As he has 
picked out one skirt (his wife) that suits you so well, 
there's no doubt but what he could easily pick out an- 
other piece of cerese and chiffon that would make just 
as good a kimona for your heart as his wife would. 
What a lot of trouble and bloodshed this simple and 
sensible plan would save. 



LIFE — Trouble with a sandbur in it. 

BUSINESS-^Legalized gouging. 

MARRIAGE — Bumping the bumps. 

SUICIDE— Solving the hight cost of living. 

DEATH— Shooting the chutes. 

LIBRARY— The Mind's dining-room. 

RIGHTEOUSNESS— Behaving yourself, keeping your 
nose at home, and throwing bouquets at your neighbors 
instead of brickbats. 

GOAT — A weed-sheep. 

MULE — A weed-horse. 

EDUCATION— The Mind's invisible tools— its un- 
seen wings, with which to fly and reach the higher 
things. 



There are two keys that will unlock every door to 
a woman's heart — Courtesy and Kindness. 



When a man has married a skirt he don't love he has 
simply and emphatically kicked himself in the heart with 
both feet and legalized it. 



The water that is flowing by now is the river — 
not the water that is past. The water that's gone is 
only a Rippling Memory — a Lost Dream — an Alto Chord 
that's still vibrating and yodling the Farewell Song. 



The Fool Killer 61 

Paris is the cream of the European cities, while Lon- 
don is only the milk and Berlin is the Buttermilk. 



If the Lord wil only tell me why he made some people, 
I will agree to keep it dark — but I would like to know. 



Minding your own business will often keep you out of 
the hospital and win the good-will of your neighbors. 

Boys, it's lots better to marry a homely girl who 
loves you, than to tie-up to a pretty one who don't. 



If a woman will she won't, if she won't she will — and 
there you are and likely to stay. 



TIME AN ASSET. 

How many of you lazy boobs realize that time, 
every minute of it, is a valuable asset and should be 
wisely used and conserved; and yet millions of young 
men are idling away hours and hours of precious time 
every day — just standing and loafing aronud with a 
stink fire nuder their noses and letting their minds 
starve to death. What an education they could soon 
have by buying literature instead of tobacco, and using 
that literature as a plow to unweed their dirty and 
vacant minds! And when you get through reading a 
book or paper you still hve it; but when you get 
through with the tobacco, what have you left? A 
diseased body and a weakened and depraved mind. 

And as you acquired your education by plowing 
your mental field a little every day with some good 
book or magazine, how proud you would be of your 
growing library! Soon every tome would be a friend 
and pal — a chum to kill ennui! Reading develops and 
spreads our mental wings, smoking weakens and folds 
them ! 



RAISINS— Uplifting food. 

OYSTERS— Ocean Bedbugs. 

Cash — Wings that know how to fly. 



6? The Fool Killer 

City Bacteriologist, Harris, of St. Louis, recently 
examined a condemned egg and found that it contained 
more that 4,000,000 bacteria. — News Item. 

It must have been a Roosevelt egg, and somebody 
ought to throw it at the Kansas City Star. 

A beautiful girl without a heart is only a pretty 
weed — a peach tree that's a slacker. 

Credit — Rainbow Currency. 
Weeds — Vegetable snakes. 



Those ten cigars you smoked today or passed out 
your friends would have bought your wife a nice pair 
of silk hose, and the high-brow socks wouldn't have 
Swatted anyboly's health nor polluted the atmosphere. 
Say, Henry, isn't your wife a friend of yours too? Well, 
why not treat her with some of the high-brow stuff 
you pass out to your other friends every day? Think 
this over, boys. Whenever you feel like buying a nasty 
cigar, booze or other useless and foolish things, just 
take the money you thus intended to waste and put it 
in another pocket and keep this up all day, and then 
on your way home stop in somewhere and buy Irene and 
the kids some socks, shoes or other useful article of 
raiment, and in a short while you and the neighbors 
will be surprised what a happy and well-dressed family 
vou have. 



The Golden Hours that are now passing by are the 
only ones that can be used. Each one is a Restless 
Steed, all saddled and bridled and ready to mount. Use 
each one as a Pegasus to go over the top and to lariat the 
stars. 



The Rebel Mind is a dauntless wing that likes to try 
The far-flung, the star-lighted and Shoreless Sky, 
Where every sail can lip the waves and kiss the Va- 
grant Winds while passing by. 



The Fool Killer 63 

THE WAY TO DO IT. 

If you want to make your wife a better woman and 
improve her looks just give her the money you waste 
on booze, tobacco and other foolish and bad habits, take 
her and the kiddies out to the theatres or other places of 
amusement two or three times a week, and stay at home 
and love and play with them the rest of the nights and 
you will have the pleasure of seeing their wings grow 
like weeds in August. 



A vote for Socialism is an asset, but a ballot for Capi- 
talism is a liability. One is a step forward, but the other 
Is a journey backwards — one is a hopeful look at the 
stars, but the other one is a dismal and groggy roll in 
the gutter. 



IGNORANCE is the only thing that needs a god — 

CRIME must always have a savior, and — 

DISEASE is all that needs a doctor. 

Fear, Hate and Greed are the cowardly and incen- 
diary tro that lighted the fires of Hell in the mind of 
man; but it was the gentle Hand of Love, Nature's great- 
est artist and only true painter, that dipped his red and 
faithful wings in the emerald tints of the Rainbow and 
pained the Star of Immortality on every human heart. 

QRANK — A gink who is so far ahead of his neigh- 
bors tha can't understand him. A boob who's trying 
to write his name across the Milky Way opposite the post 
office. 



When death presses his cold anl noiseless Kiss of 
Oblivion on the lips of love, he unconsciously plants the 
seeds of Immortality. The Hand of Love dips his brush 
deep down in the red paint of human hearts, and with 
the aid of Memory and Imagination, paints a beautiful 
and glorious picture and lights it with an Everlasting 
Star that twinkles on forever. That picture is Heaven, 
and its dazzling star is Immortality — the Morning and 
Evening Star of Love. 



64 The Fool Killer 



Willow plumes on a woman's hat are about as useless 
and expensive as cocktails on a man's breath. 

If a man praises a homely woman after he is married 
to her, he either really loves her or is afraid of her. 

Long as you are blinded by ignorance and prejudice 
you won't be able to see the fat and lazy hands that 
slip in and out of your pockets. 

If you have good health, a clear conscience and a 
clean hide, you can sleep well at night — even though 
your bed is only the soft side of a rough board with a 
diagonal knothole in it for a pillow. 

DIPLOMACY — Polite and succesful lying that's well 
paid for. 

OFFICIAL INVESTIGATION— Trying to find out 
what you already know and then swearing that what 
you've discovered to be true isn't so. 

A HOT WEATHER COSTUME. 

Some boob from Manhattan, Kansas, writes and 
wants to know how to dress for the extreme hot weather. 
He signs himself "A Fat Brother." Alright, Fat Brother, 
we're always willing to help our fellow mortals all we 
can. The laws won't allow us to dress for the torrid 
weather as most of us would like to; in fact, if we had 
our way about it we wouldn't wear a blamed thing during 
the extreme hot weather but our initials and street 
number, and around the house we'd leave the street 
number off; and about all a fashionable woman would 
need would be her eyebrows and a couple of pale freckels 
turned down low. And such simplicity garments would be 
right in line with the government's conservation policies, 
Just think what a saving in materials, tailoring, laundry, 
to say nothing of the time saved in dressing and un- 
dressing. 

As we are not permitted to dress in the proper 
primeval style, we should wear as few garments as 
possible and they should be of white color and of porous 

/ 



The Fool Killer 65 

materials; or light weight grays of the lightest shades. 
White is the coolest color and black is the hottest. The 
next hottest colors are dark Turkey red, dark blue and 
dark green. All underwear should be made of the best 
linen and kept thooughly clean; so should the body be 
kept clean — both inside and outside. Thorough ventila- 
tion and contact with the earth much as possible will 
greatly help in keeping cool. The diet is of paramount 
importance if you don't want to suffer with the heat. 
Cut out the meats, sweets, greasy and starchy stuffs, 
and make your diet mostly of the fruits and watery 
vegetables. Avoid tea, coffee, tobacco, intoxicants and 
ice water. Keep your bowels active and go barefooted 
all you can. Eat about 30 per cent less than in cold 
weather, and two light meals a day will be plenty. Don't 
worry nor get excited and don't think of the Weather 
at all. Read the Fool Killer and behave yourself as be- 
comes a fat man and gentleman. 



FOOLISH THINGS. 

Speaking of foolish things, Steve, we've pulled off 
a few pretty raw stunts ourself; for instance, we came 
into this world absolutely naked and when it was 28 
below zero, and we didn't have a. blamed cent in our kik 
nor a rag to our name, had no job and din't know a 
soul on earth, and didn't even have a front name yet; 
but there was a kind-hearted old doctor present and he 
introduced me to the best woman on earth, and a 
mighty nice gentleman who was a little bit rattled, and 
it didn't take us long to find where they kept the milk. 



Money seldom gets people in bad — its generally calico 
and booze using money as their medium that puts us on 
the wrong side of the checkered window. 

AN OBLIGING KUSS. 
Whenever you want to slide downhill, the Devil 
will loan you his skates. 

Whenever you want to reach the top of the ladded, 
you'll have to use your own wings. 



66 The Fool Killer 



A DECAYED CITY. 

Last fall we were riding west from Chicago on the 
main line of the C. B. & Q., and after we crossed the 
river at Burlington, Iowa, the next stop was Ottumwa, 
but it would be quite a while before the train arrived 
there as it was a fast one that only hit the high places 
and stopped occasionally. The colored porter had been 
up a great deal of nights lately and Was very sleepy. It 
was his custom to snatch a few winks between Burling- 
ton and Ottumwa when the occasion required, and this was 
one of the times when old Morpheus had the toe-hold 
on the colored gentleman for fair, and he was putting 
over some new and Alpine steps in the snoring line that 
sounded like the Allies making a combined attack on the 
whole German frontier. 

Several toolts were aboard and one of the innocent 
and sinless cusses was a representative of a big Chicago 
grocery house, and among his samples had a hunk of lim- 
burger cheese. He listened to and watched the colored man 
for a few minutes and then his innocent face lighted up 
with a merry twinkle and he remarked to the rest of us: 
"S-h! I'll show you some real sport!" Then he went 
back in the chair coach and got his sample of the far- 
smell food and held it under the darky's expansive 
nostrils for a few minutes, when that ebony functionary 
jumped about four feet into the air and shouted: "Ot- 
tumwa ! Ottumwa ! !" 



Flies are chickens for spiders and persimmons are 
possum peaches. 



The harder life we live in this world the more vividly 
we dream of an easier life in the so-called "Next World." 



Living in dirty shacks in this world is enough to 
paint immortal landscapes on most anything in the form 
of a brain. 



When a boob wants a piece of real trouble, he's got 
to trim it with calico and flavor it with booze. 



■ The Fool Killer 67 

A Grasshopper sat on a barbed wire fence, 
Singing a song of the Vast Immense, 
When an old rooster came strolling along, 
And quietly gobeld the singer and song. 

"Is that all of it?" No, Steve, there are several more 
verses, but that's enough. 



No wonder the Missouri River never stops at Jeffer- 
son City — a town of 13,000 boobs, 23 saloons and 3 or 4 
breweries, the Missouri legislature, the Penitentiary, the 
Railroad Lobby, and — the Madison Hotel ; now, what in the 
world would any self-respecting river want to be stopping 
at a place like that? As its water is too dirty to bathe 
in, they'd have absolutely no use for it. 



The mosquito is not much of a bird in the insect 
family, but when it comes to provoking profanity and liv- 
ing up to its evil reputation it has few equals. It has 
nerve enough to write life insurance and be a base ball 
evangelist. 



MAN— The Ace of Beasts. 
WUMAN — Man's excuse for living. 
KRADEL — Man's first horseless carriage. 
WALKING — Eating space with the hind feet. 
DREAMING — Riding Memory around in the mental 
dark. 

HOPING — Dreaming while you are awake. 



St. Apolis and Minne Paul are the Siamese Twins 
of Minnesota. 



Davenport, Iowa, is the Milwaukee of the Hawkeye 
state. 



Tulsa is the Kansas City of Oklahoma. 
Joplin is the Tulsa of Missouri. 

Omaha is the Kansas City of Nebraska, and Council 
Bluffs is its Kansas City, Kansas. 



Dancing is singing with the feet, and singing is 
dancing with the voice. 



68 



The Fool Killer 



GO 

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H 

go 
GO 




o 
o 

a 

o 



o 



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P3 
H 
H 

GO 



The Fool Killer 



69 



EAROLOGY. 




TrtlEF. 



PERFECT. 



/WRDERER 
rtOLAES. 



Fix this perfect ear in your mind as a pattern or 
model and then measure all ears by it. The nearer a 
person's ear is to this model, the more honest and moral 
and well balanced he is; and vice versa. This is valuable 
knowledge and will save you from being imposed upon. 



When a woman wants a male dog for a pet, that's a 
pretty good sign that her hubby has failed in the pet 
line. 



A slave is a chump who supports others in order to 
get a chance to support himself. 

I shall never forget how disappointed I was the first 
time I peeped into a mirror at myself, and I have always 
been prejudiced against the cussed things ever since. 

I want you boobs to put this under your hat-band: 

It is your own vote that takes away the land, 

And leaves nothing but a mortgage on which to stand. 

Ignorance, Greed and Hate build all the prisons and 
forge every chain. 



70 The Fool Killer '___ 

Yes, Steve, there's a silver lining" to every cloud 
if you can only find it; for instance, when the snow flies 
the mosquitos don't; and when you have nothing to eat 
you will not suffer from gout and obesity. 

It takes "some of us a long time to realize that we are 
even bigger fools than our neighbors think we are. 

NOT SUCH A MUCH. 

A pound of gold is worth only $300. A pound of 
Radium is worth $300,000,000. So we see that the much 
worshipped gold is not such a much after all ; it's a good 
chain, however, to bind fools to their bondage and make 
them think their shackels are heaven-made jewelry. 



As the women do more than half the work of the 
world they ought to cast half the votes. 



The person who wants to boss and control others is 
never fit for that kind of a job. If each boob will control 
his own passions and appetites properly and keep his 
nose at home and his feet in the right paths, he'll 
have as big a job of bossing on his hands as he can 
possibly get away with. 

DECEIVING THE HENS. 

While in a country town recently we saw a basket 
of plaster of paris eggs that were intended to deceive the 
poor old faithful hens and make them believe they were 
sitting on real eggs that would soon yield the little 
fuzzy harvest the poor old mother-heart so longed and 
hoped for. Is their no limit to man's baseness and per- 
fidy? He deceives his neighbors, the police, his children, 
his wife and even himself, and now he has descended 
to such depths of depravity as to practice a cruel and 
painless deception on the poor old hens — his best friends. 
The shameless barbarian thus crucifies their sweet and 
sacred instincts of motherhood and feeds their mater- 
nal longings on rainbow food. Is there anything this 
dollar-blemished polecat won't humbug? 



The Fool Killer 71 

IGNORANCE is what makes you foolish and keeps 
you on a rainbow diet in the slums — it's the Mental 
Darkness that makes your chains look like jewelry. 



HOPE is the Mind's Eternal Rainbow — the Everlast- 
ing Anchor that keeps us from sinking. It's the only 
star on cloudy nights. 



TEDDY'S -ANCESTORS. 

"A tooth weighing more than 14 pounds, evidently 
from the jaw of some extinct animal, was recently found 
in a gravel pit near Yorktown, Ind." — News Item. 

We'll bet the Kansas City Star a box of William 
Allen White's best Havanas that the above mentioned 
tooth at one time in the dim and misty past belonged 
to some of Teddy's ancestors. 



YES MAM & NO MAM. 

It is useless and foolish to say "yes mam" and "no 
mam" to a woman when replying to her questions. She 
is better aware of her mamnes than you are; so what's 
the use of volunteering such silly and superfluous in- 
formation? It is not politeness to tell her that she is a 
she every time you answer a question — its just plain 
foolishness and ignorance. Simply say yes and no when 
replying to questions from anyone. Of course, if you are 
a servant and required to use it as a mark of your 
station and servility, why, alright; but otherwise, cut it 
out and stand erect like a man and talk like a man instead 
of a lackey or poodle dog. 



If death is not destruction it is certainly a damn 
fine imitation of it. 

Surprise your wife now and then with a ten dollar 
bill, but don't be mean enough to ask her what she is 
going to do with it — she knows, but that is none of your 
business; and your children need some spending money 
occasionally — it will make them happy and enable them 
to hold their heads up among the other kids; and what 
pride and pleasure it is for a kid to tell the other guys 
that his dad is the real stuff — not an old tight wad. 



72 The Fool Killer 

SEPTEMBER MORN. 

fair and beautiful maiden! 

How sweet and graceful you be, 
When from fashion's rubbish unladen, 

You're a Poem in the Edge of the Sea. 

Like a flower in its wild primeval beauty, 

You inspire my soul with a lofty admiration, 

And I feel it a sacred duty, 

To homage Nature's best creation. 



IF I WERE PRESIDENT. 

If I were President and had the power, 

Fd change every weed into a flower — 

Fd take the kinks and poisons out of every mind, 

And fill it with ideas that would make it good and kind. 

Fd repeal every cruel, unjust and vicious law, 
And do away with every fang- and crooked claw. 
Fd free every mind from hate, from want and fear, 
And fill it with love and the music it likes to hear. 

Fd establish Justice and Freedom in every place, 
And make it a fit habitation for the Human Race. 
Fd give every Wing to the Wild and Shoreless Air, 
And have no lid nor limit to their flights up there. 

Fd abolish GREED and Profits from every place, 
And then we could be brothers — a sane and happy race; 
In fact, Fd make this world a beautiful Paradise, 
By freeing it from the causes of every crime and vice. 



"Time and Tide wait for no man." We don't blame 
them; but that's not saying they don't wait for a woman 
— especially if she is young and pretty. 



No woman ever went to Hell until some man opened 
the gate for her and gave her a shove through the Re- 
turnless Portal. 



". The Fool Killer 78 

What in the world are those kids grinnnig about, 
Steve? 

"The school house burned last night and they've just 
learned of it." 



HOLIDAYS. 

The Fool Killer considers it foolish and childish to 
celebrate so many holidays, and especially, the natal 
days of individuals. What good can it do Lincoln and 
Washington for the people of this nation to be incon- 
venienced every year on acount of their birthdays? 
There should be only one legal holiday, and that is Labor 
Day. 



BEAUTIFUL OZARKS. 

Nature must have been in a very artistic frame of 
mind when she made the Ozarks and draped their slient 
and eternal tops with a weird and mystic haze that sings 
a soft and dreamy alto With the Southwind and Liquid 
Moonlight. How sweet and peaceful and restful to wander 
away among those silent and friendly hills and just 
dream and dream up at the clear and opalescent sky while 
the brooks and birds and insect bands are softly sere- 
nading us into a dreamy and far-away reverie! The 
Ozarks are Nature's Eternal Dreamland — a soft and moon- 
lit Coney Island for tired and hungry souls. Down here 
in this dreamy land of birds and flowers and luscious 
fruits, every river is a harp, every cataract is a banjo 
with moonbeams for its strings, every creeping creek 
is a guitar and every, humming brook is a violin with 
rainbow strings and every feathered throat is a Victrola 
with Hawaiian records and Aeolian needles — Nature's 
weird and Eternal Troubadors that sing and dream away 
the drifting and flower-scented years. 



LOVE is the only thing that can take the lid off 
our souls and make us civilized. 



Long as the workers vote for what they don't want 
they'll have plenty of it. 



74 



The Fool Killer 




HARVEST TIME. 

How beautiful and glorious the fields are looking now, 
With their crowns of fruits and ripening grains — 

Howe sweet and peaceful the loing of the dear old cow, 
As she wanders homeward through the woods and 
shaded lanes: 

And the farmer with his faithful and helpful wife, 
As they dream in the shade of the Old Apple Trees, 

Are enjoying the sweets of an honest and useful life, 
As their whitening locks are tossed by the soft summer 
breeze. 



A Guilty Conscience is some artist — its specialty is 
painting indelible pictures that never fade. 



The Fool Killer 76 

IDLENESS. 

When you have Nothing to do the Devil soon comes 
along and shakes hands with you and gives you a light 
for your cigarette; and if you're a woman he kindly 
fishes out a package of chewing gum and politely asks: 
"What's the latest gossip, girlie?" 



Doing nothing is the hardest job in the world — and 
that's why the Devil is always on hand to help you. 

Doing work that you like is not work at all — it's ex- 
pressing our desires and ambitions through our muscles 
— a pleasant and healthful form of self-expansion. 

"Doc, do you know that the Frisco Railroad is the 
only one the Bible mentions?" 

No, Steve, I was not up that far in my scriptural 
studies yet — where does it make such a digression? 

"Why, over in Genesis where it says: 'And the Lord 
made every kreeping thing!' " 

Thanks, awfully, Steve — we're getting real rusty on 
scripture. 

USELESS ADVICE. 

When God made Adam and placed the lazy boob in a 
beautiful and fragrant garden with an Hawaiian climate 
and no neighbors to watch him, and then dolled him 
up gorgeously in a frayed fig leaf and the Southwind, 
and then made a beautiful piece of calico for him, and 
out of the same frisky and sporty material, and correctly 
costumed her in a smaller size Fig Leaf and her Primeval 
Eyebrows, it has always seemed to us that it was quite 
supurfluous for the Good Lord to tell the pair to not 
Hooverize any in the use of the Multiplication Table. 

Bad habits are an introduction to all circles where 
the Devil is the chairman and Don't Care is the Invi- 
tation Committee. They're a one-way ticket to the 
slums and the bottom of the ladder. 



76 The Fool Killer 

SOME COLD WEATHER. 

The Big Snow-Storm and Cold Wave that devastated 
the country last winter, reached beyond the Rio Grande 
River, and it was a sight to see the Mexican fish come 
out on the south side of the stream and the American 
fish emerge on the north bank and snow-ball each other; 
and after the stream froze over they organized inter- 
national skating parties on the under side of the ice. 
As the Old Residents were skating on the river for the 
first time in their lives they could look down and see 
the fish skating on the under side of the ice. Some 
sport, * eh, Senor? 

OUR LECTURES. 

Yes, Steve, we still give public lectures occasionally, 
when we find any one fool enough to want to hear us; 
so if any of you boobs want to hear us and think you 
can stand it,, our price for one lecture within 200 miles 
of Kansas City is $100 and our fare both ways. Any 
one of our lectures is warranted to kill at least 300 fools. 
The lecture must be arranged for Sunday evening, and 
if I have to travel over the Frisco to get there my fee 
will be double. 



INCONSISTENCY. 

A woman will gather her skirts about her and flee 
at the sight of a tiny little mouse — a diminutive creature 
5,000 times smaller than herself, and yet she will waltz 
right up to a big 6-foot, 300-pound animal, called Man, 
grab him by the heart or pocket-book, yank him into 
court or church, annex him legally, and in less than a 
week the poor devil will have a scared and subdued look 
on his face, a sad and far-away taste in both eyes, and 
feel about as important as 30 Cents after a woman has 
bought an Easter outfit with it. 



It's better to have your Soul snuggle up to you and 
call you Sweetheart after the sun is down, than to go off 
by yourself and make thousands of dollars during the 
day-time in accordance with the Capitalist code. 



The Fool Killer 77 



Canada is England's Kansas and Australia is her 
Oklahoma. Oklahoma is Arkansaw's Kansas and Texas 
plays the Sunflower role for Louisiana. Wisconsin is 
Michigan's Kansas and Minnesota is Wisconsin's Sun- 
flower realm, and the Dakotas play Kansas for Minne- 
sota. Illinois is the Kansas for Ohio and Indiana, and 
the latter two play Kansas for Pennsylvania. Michigan 
is the Kansas for New York. Missouri is the Kansas for 
Illinois and Iowa plays Dakota for the Suckers. Cali- 
fornia is the Florida of the West, and Florida is the Cal- 
ifornia of the East; and Germany is the Infernal Regions 
for the whole world! 



OUR VACATION. 

Yes, Steve, we've got to have a vacation in order to 
let our beans cool off and to give our readers a rest. 
Our contemporaries haven't got that much decency about 
them — they just keep on pouring the bunk and piffle 
into their poor tired readers all the time. Readers need 
a rest even more than do the editors. Look for the next 
issue of this Bean Storm about the omega finale of Sep- 
tember. We believe in vacations, and if we had our way 
about it, we'd have about 13 vacations a year and of 37 
days each. Soon as this edition is on its Way to our poor 
victims, we're goig to take our dear little wife and slip 
off into the woods where the rivers and brooks sing 
alto with the birds and flowers, and there get better ac- 
quainted with each other and with our Great Primeval 
Mother — Nature. And here in the deep and quiet soli- 
tude of Nature, with birds and flowers and vines and 
trees, with no one to gouge us, we're going to have an- 
other old-fashioned honeymoon and get better acquainted 
with ourselves. Here in the fondling arms of Mother 
Nature, and kissed by our Great Cosmic Father, the 
Eternal Son, and soothed and lullabied to sleep at night 
by our Great Nocturnal Aunt, the soft and Alto- Voiced 
Moon, we're going to forget the hideous and sordid dollar- 
chase of Capitalist Life, and dream the sweet and flower- 
scented dreams that Immortality is made out of. We'll 



78 



The Fool Killer 



probably bring back with us a good collection of 4-leaf 
chiggers, and if any of our readers would like to have 
one for a pet, just send in a new subscriber with your 
renewal, <»and you may have a pair of them. 




THE BUFFALO. 

Thou Mighty Monarch of the Grassy Seas, 
Thy native habitat was the feral plains — 
Thou Wert gentle as the summer breeze, 
And yet cruel Man blew out thy brains. 

In the name of profits men have committed every crime, 
And for thy horns and hide and dusky meat, 
He hath wantonly destroyed Thee in every clime, 
Until Thou art only a Meomry — dim and sweet. 

Many a time have I gazed in thy soft and dreamy eyes, 

And gently stroked thy shaggy hide, 

And thus have' we stood together side by side, 

And watched the swallows skim the evening skies. 

With a 13-ounce brain (the normal and average brain 
is 52 ounces) it is quite easy to believe in the 13-super- 
stition. The 13-ounce brains are just the right size for 
sawdust religion. 



The Fool Killer 79 

"Loving your neighbor as yourself" is all right and 
proper enough provided she is not married and is willing 
for you to do so; but even then you are likely to fracture 
the peace and dignity of the Seventh Commandment. The 
Old Seventh wasn't built to stand much of a strain — 
especially the kind of a strain that is likely to take place 
when a male boob of the Human species tries out the 
Commandment on one of his good-looking young neigh- 
bors of the sex immediately opposite. And "Platonic 
Kissing" is another fearful strain on the Old Seventh. 



Behaving yourself is the best way to make your 
neighbors behave themselves. 

MEMORY'S CARGO. 

When the Restless and Comebackless Years are gone, 
Only Memory can bring them back and screen them on 

the Dawn; 
So let us act in such a kind and noble way, 
Memory's Cargo will not embarrass us some future day — 
Let our thoughts be flower-seeds and scatter them here 

and there, 
And they will become blossoming vines in the places dead 

and bare. 



Traveling downhill destroys every bridge as you 
cross it. 



Idling your time away in dissipation is burning up 
the space between you and the Cem., and also provides 
plenty of weeds for your grave. 

If every working Woman or girl had $30 in her kick 
every Saturday night, the Red-Light problem would soon 
go out of the problem business. 

Every insane asylum is an indictment of the Capi- 
talist System that don't need an attorney to present it; 
and every Red Light district calls Christianity a liar and 
a fraud; and White Slavery makes faces at every church 
and court-house and black-shadows every home. 



80 The Fool Killer 

NATURE'S JOKES. 

No, Mabel, the mosquitoes are not on mischief Dent, 
But Nature made our blood their aliment, 
Gave them a pair of wing's and a sleepless appetite, 
And that's why they often come and take a bite. 

We don't like the siren song they sing, 
Nor their infernally irritating sting, 
But it makes no difference to the little devils, 
Whether we like or dislike their gory revels. 

I've often asked the question and would like to know, 
Why the weeds and flies — the rats and mice, 
The mosquitoes, bedbugs and other things unnice, 
Always come unasked and profusely flourish so; 

While the fruits and flowers and other things we deed, 

Have to be planted and cultivated from the seed. 

Only the bad and nasty things we hate 

Are always on time — the other trains are late. 



Nature is a strange and Mysterious Old Skirt, to say the 

least, 
And has made this earth the habitat of many a vile and 

useless beast — 
The mosquito, the alligator, the sightless mole and necky 

old giraffe — 
The flea, the elephant, the skunk and peacock that makes 

us. laugh; 
But of all the mean and useless creatures beneath the 

shining sun; 
Der Kaiser is the meanest and vilest one! 

Der Kaiser und hiz Gott (Satan) will have to go, 
But it will not cause a tear to start and flow, 
For in all this world of stress and strife, 
Their going will be a blessing to every life. 



The Fool Killer 81 

THE LORD'S PRAYER. 

Why does the Lord need a prayer? He'd have to 
pray to himself, and what good would that do? That 
would be a great deal like a young boob writing love 
letters to himself — the practice might improve his pen- 
manship a little, but in the role of a heart-diet it would 
be a rather Hooverized menu. 

Pray to the soil with a hoe, 
And watch the vegetables grow; 
But shooting bull at the sky, 
Will leave you to starve and die. 



LIFE is but a Dream — a Rainbow Chase, 

But now and then along the lonely way, 

We find a flower whose fragrance leaves a trace 

On Memory's screen that will forever stay. 



NATURE'S WAY. 

It's no use to weep and cry 
Because the years keep drifting by, 
And leave us old and halt and gray, 
For that is Nature's cold, eternal way. 

There's one good thing about this plan, 
It romoves the wrecks and frees the land 
From mortals who are unfit to longer live, 
And thus a place to others give. 

If Nature did not take our Vital Spark away, 
And remove our shells with her Fingers of Decay, 
We would so encumber the earth with our- increase, 
Reproduction would surely have to cease. 

As Nature allows us a hundred years or more, 

To enjoy the flowers and scenery along the shore, 

We have no cause to kick when we pass New Orleans 

and can see 
Death's Vast and Voiceless Gulf of Eternity. 



^ 



MORAL. 













to 
3 





Oft. MAH, 

FREN0L0JI5T 



PHRENOLOGY or MINDOLOGY is the Science of 
Human Nature, and Science is what we know about 
things; therefore, Phrenology is what we know about 



The Fool Killer 83 

Human Nature or the Mind. Human Nature is a very 
complex thing, embracing the Human Mind or Soul, and 
includes all our thoughts, feelings, desires, impulses, 
hopes, ambitions, tastes, talents, ideas and acts. Take 
these as a whole and they constitute Human Nature or the 
Soul. Character is somewhat different and considerably 
less, for it only embraces an individual's acts taken as a 
whole. The Mind and Character can be dignosed more or 
less accurately from the head and face, etc. 



GREATNESS— A bubble that soon will bust. 
FAME — A bauble that soon is dust. 
AMBITION— A wing that ever tries to fly, 

But soon it's broken and droops to die. 
RICHES — Moth-groceries and their toxin rust 
Cankers the soul and makes it dust. 
LOVE — A Soul-food — an Eternal Dawn 

That Memory paints when we are gone. 



HUMAN ENEMIES. 

The most injurious thing that humans drink is hard 
water. The hard earthy materials the water contains in 
solution clog up the whole system more or less and thus 
interfere with the normal functioning of the whole or- 
ganism. The lime, iron, sulphur, soda, or any other 
mineral salts or matter in the water are left behind in 
the system and are very much in the way, and the sys- 
tem is put to a great deal of labor and expense in getting 
rid of this waste and useless material. It collects be- 
tween the coats of the blood-vessels and also coats their 
inner walls, and that interferes with their important 
work of carrying blood (nourishment) to the different 
tissues all over the body and to the remotest and minutest 
recesses of the brain and nerves. Whenever the normal 
amount of blood going to any part of the organism be- 
comes diminished, weakness of the part ensues and that 
in turn causes imperfect functioning — the net result of 
which is impaired health and efficiency. After the Left 



84 The Fool Killer 

Ventricle of the heart contracts on the blood and thus 
starts it on its long and devious journey to all the tissues, 
it is necessary for the arteries themselves to contract on 
the blood and thus help propel it along on its life-giving 
tour. The impetus imparted to the blood by the heart 
is soon lost, and then it is up to the arteries themselves 
to keep it moving, but they cannot do that very well if 
they are clogged and hardened by accumulations of lime 
and other hard materials; and another very serious ef- 
fect of drinking hard or any kind of mineral water is 
the clogging and derangement of the delicate glands by 
such mineral matter. The joints also are recipients of 
these waste materials. The liver, kidneys, mesentery, 
pancreas, spleen, lymphatics and other glands, become 
clogged by any excess of earthy matter in the system, 
and that seriously interferes with their work, which in 
turn impairs the health and efficiency of the individual. 
Most of the weaknesses and deblity result from a gradual 
diminution in the amount and quality of the blood going 
to the brain and nervous system. The arteries become 
smaller and smaller as they proceed toward the surface 
and extremities, and of course, a small tube is easier to 
clog up than a larger one; anyway, this gradual filling-in 
and hardening of the blood vessels that carry the life- 
giving blood to the brain and to all the other tissues, re- 
sults in debility and ever lessening vitality and elimina- 
tion of the poisons and waste materials and insidious im- 
pairment of all the vital processes. The Arteries carry 
the new blood to all parts of the body to repair the 
wastes of the tissues, and their little pals, the Veins, 
gather up all the worn-out and waste materials that are 
no longer needed, and return this waste matter to the 
eliminating channels for exit from the body; so we see 
that when the arteries and veins become clogged and 
deranged the tissues are starved and weakened from 
lack of nourishment, and poisoned and weakened from 
the retained waste matter, which is dead matter, and is 
decaying and thus generating toxins that will soon destroy 
life if not removed. The system needs a certain amount 
of hard earthy materials to repair the bones, teeth and 



The Fool Killer 85 

nails, but when a greater amount of this hard material is 
taken than is needed, a surplus remains behind and clogs 
and hampers the delicate machinery, and thus impedes 
its functions, and soon ill-health prevails. How utterly 
useless to take "medicine" and begin "doctoring" for your 
various ailments when you continue to take in more hard 
materials than Nature needs. The drugs you take into 
your system to "cure" you, only add to and aggravate 
the clogged condition that is causing your ill-health. If 
you expect to get well you must remove the cause of your 
ill-health, and then it will be an easy matter to regain 
your health. Most of the Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Paraly- 
sis, Appendicitis, Prostatic Enlargements, etc., are due to 
an excess of lime and other hard earthy materials in the 
system, and by getting rid of this surplus the patient 
can soon regain his health. However, drinking hard 
water is only one of the ways the system becomes over- 
stocked with mineral matter. Bear in mind that three- 
fourths of the human body is water and one-fourth is 
solids. | The blood is 78 per cent water and only 22 per 
cent solids; therefore, it is very important to know how 
to maintain this necessary balance, for without it we can- 
not have health and the proper efficiency. My Health- 
Book will give you all necessary information along these 
lines, and all other knowledge you must have in order to 
get well and keep well. See advertisement of that book 
on the outside of the back cover of this book. The most 
injurious thing that humans eat is white bread and pas- 
tries made out of white flour and lard, salt and sugar. 
Long as they feed on such health wrecking and suicidal 
truck, more than half their lives will be wasted in suf- 
fering from weaknesses and ailments thus caused. Next 
in the way of Human Enemies is Tobacco, Coffee, Tea, 
Lard, Pepper and Vinegar and Booze. And to escape the 
suffering caused by all these poisons and evil things that 
humans believe they must have, the poor chumps bom- 
bard their systems with a lot of other poisons called 
"medicines," and which the doctors and drug-vendors tell 
them to take in order to get well. Is it any wonder, then, 
that we see millions of little children not yet ten years 



86 The Fool Killer 

old who are wearing glasses and filled teeth; neither is it 
strange that more than half of all children never live to 
be 5 years old. My Health Book has one special chapter 
on Water and Drinks, tells how to take all the lime and 
other waste materials out of water, and thus render it 
pure and perfect. It is much cheaper to send and get 
this book than to continue doctoring in the old way. That 
book gives all my methods of treating all ailments and 
bad habits, etc. It's the very book you've been looking 
for all your life. 



NEBRASKA PRAIRIES. 

The Beautiful Prairies are fragrant and all a-bloom, 
With the wild and pretty little flowers, 
And amongst these blossoms where e'er there's room, 
The Meadowlark builds her nest and dreams the drifting 
hours. 

On a nearby post the male lark pipes his jerky lay, 
To cheer the farmer harvesting his sweet alfalfa hay. 
He's a Prophet of the Harvest and Autumn's rich content, 
And to joy-up the gloomy his rag-time voice is ever lent. 

Yes, the sight of Nebraska's prairies in June, all 
redolent with millions and millions of wild and fragrant 
flowers, whose fragrance makes the warm and limpid 
atmosphere a Perfumed Ocean, is enough to make any- 
one a poet and vagrant dreamer. Even a gloomy and 
Hell-bound Calvanist would forget his tearful creed and 
dream a little in this Elysian Arcadia; and even Morgan 
and Rockefeller would turn the $-chase over to the saw- 
dust theologians, take off their shoes and hats, and in a 
pair of homespun jumpers would roam the Alfalfa Seas 
and gaily sing a soft and dreamy tenor with the broken- 
alto of the fuzzy and vagrant bumblebees. It is only 
next to Nature — on the wild and boundless prairies where 
every vagrant breeze carries a cargo of pefume, or in the 
deep and silent woods where happy and clinging vines 
are playing Juliet to every sturdy tree, or on the Ocean's 
wild and wave-washed shore where every Bohemian Wave 
is a troubador and lazily yodels Nancy Lee and White 



The Fool Killer 87 

Wings to every Pond Lily on the shore, that I am happy 
and my soul grows pregnant with content! 

IMMORTAL LOVE. 

LOVE is the only Morning that has no Night — 
The only Eye that can see beyond the Grave — 
The only Wing that never tires by flight — 
The only Flag that will always wave. 

It's the only Flower that ever blooms — 
The only Fruit that's ripe forevermore — 
The Mystic Hand that flowers all the tombs, 
And sketches Rainbows upon the Other Shore. 

It's the only River that's never dry — 
The only Ocean that reaches every shore — 
The Mystic Light that beautifies the eye — 
The Happiness that reaches to the core. 

It's the only Dream that immortalizes life — 

An Immortal Star out in the Vasty Vast— 

A Setless Sun for every maid and wife — 

The only Fragrance that will always last. _ 

- 
It's Nature's Mellow Moonlight singing in the soul — 
A Vast-Forever Summer without the snow and cold — 
A Flower Garden where the birdies live and sing — 
A Stormless Sky that welcomes every wing. 

Just a Tranquil Sea out in the Mystic Yonder, 
Where every barque can dream and ponder — 
A Dreamy Island in the soft, sweet Southern Seas, 
Where happy hearts can dream beneath the Bamboo 
Trees. 

It's an Alto Voice singing in the Tawny Twilight — 
The Southwind kissing all the pretty flowers — 
A Dream Star that vigils us at Night — 
The HAPPINESS that sweetens all our hours. 



88 The Fool Killer 

LOVE is the Music, of the Heart and the Poetry of 
the Soul — it's the Rainbow of Youth — the Dream of Man- 
hood — the Perfumed Memory of Old Age, and is the only 
thing that can keep the eyes bright, the heart warm and 
the soul from freezing over. 

A Democrat couldn't be any worse than he is unless 
he had been born twins and the other half of himself 
had gone Republican. 



The misdeeds of- Democrats are about as plentiful 
as the drops of water in all the oceans, while the crimes 
of Republicans are only as numerous as the seconds in 
Eternity. 



A SLOW TRAVELER. 

The Truth is a slow traveler, but eventually gets 
there with both feet and all its baggage. Falsehood is a 
swift runner, but never wins the race; and when it has 
arrived it is still a long way off. 



The person who steps over or around a worm on the 
sidewalk in order to not crush it, has a stock of wing- 
material concealed somewhere in the mysterious and 
flower-embroidered cells of his brain, and his soul is a 
flower garden. 



THE DEPTHS. 

The heartless and shameless cuss who lives upon dol- 
lars coined from the sweat and blood and tears of inno- 
cent and helpless childhood, has reached the depths — the 
uttermost depths — below which maggots will not go out 
of pure self-respect; and only human capitalists with a 
$-marked religion in their black and pitiless hearts are 
so debased and shameless. No wonder the Simians who 
have read Human History resent and reject the Darwinian 
theory. No wonder snakes like to bite humans. No 
wonder every bird jabs its wings into the air at the sight 
of man. He's the meanest and greediest old pot-bellied 
Receptacle of Sin and Iniquity that ever wobbled and 
strutted down the Corridors of Time on his hind legs and 
ever looking for something to shuv into his guts! 



The Fool Killer 89 

The boob that is too busy to cultivate wings, 

Will have to stay in the Jungle and stand its stings. 



If the lazy shirkers 

Helped the workers, 

And each one did his honest share, 

About four hours a day, 

Would be the way, 

Sans all worry and all care. 



Knowledge is a Fearless Eagle with outspread wings, 
And scorns all crosses and similar things; 
But Ignorance is a crippled rooster, 
And always needs a booster. 



Paving the streets of "Heaven" with pure gold won't 
help the sidewalks of this world any. 



DIPLOMACY — Playing poker with mental chips — 
polite and successful lying. 

DIPLOMAT — A polite and well-bred burglar who 
picks your pockets with his mind instead of with his 
fingers. 



MAN'S THREE RIDES. 
Yesterday, 

It was the Cradle, with Mamma as the Chauffeur, and her 
soft and crooning song; 

Today, 
It is the Honk- Wagon that rushes so rapidly along; but, 

Tomorrow, 
Just the Glass Carriage with its hushed and measured 

tread, 
Strolling out to Dust City— the destination of the Dead. 



Death is but a noiseless, cloudless, frostless, mosqui- 
toeless and bedbugless Night that has no Morning at the 
other end of it. 



If the big Empty Noise with the Tombstone Teeth 
keeps on knocking everything Wilson does, he will soon 
be about as popular as a bill collector and a long-term 
mother-in-law. 



90 The Fool Killer 



HER VOICE. 

It's the sweetest music I ever heard, 
And like the fragrance of the flowers, 
It softly clings to every word, 
And sweetens them for many hours. 

It is so gentle, so loving and so kind, 
Fm ever longing to be near it: 
It's music is a fragrance to my mind, 
And that is why I always like to hear it. 

It sings to me while I'm asleep, 
And comforts me when I would weep, 
And like a mother's love it never sleeps. 
But a constant vigil ever keeps. 



Nature never made hands that fit other people's 
pockets. 



More wages and shorter hours in This World, is the 
kind of religion the workers need. Promises of good 
things and lovely times in the "Next World" don't make 
much of a hit at grocery stores in This World. 

The wretch who is mean to his wife and wee'ns and 
abuses and neglects his horses, would have a hell of a 
time getting through the Pearly Gates if we had St. 
Peter's job. 

LOVE is an Eternal Meal Ticket on which two can 
eat forever. 



Love is the only peach that don't grow less by 
eating it. 



A vote for what you think is right, 

Is never wasted nor thrown away, 

But a ballot cast for what you know is wrong, 

Is not worth the dismal, croaking song 

Of a Cricket dirging in the Night, 

And such a course will lead you on astray. 



The Fool Killer 91 

We have a very poor opinion of the man who lets a 
bulldog alienate his wife's affections; we also sympathize 
with the dog. Wake up, you boobs, and read a book on 
Phallik Worship. 



By the time we have acquired enough intelligence 
to step off our own ears and quit being foolish, we are 
old enough to eat hay-in-the-stack, and Nature is ready 
to try her great Dust Experiment on us. What little in- 
telligence we ever get comes to us at the wrong end of 
life — it's like the banquet that comes along after we have 
starved to death. 



There are times when everyone feels like kicking 
the supreme stuffing out of himself and getting a divorce 
from the neighbors. 



SOCIALISM will put love in every heart, music in 
every home, flowers in every life, and peace in every 
mind. Feed it with your votes and watch it grow. It's 
the only salvation that can sal. 

The cuss who wants to be a BOSS and lord it over 
others has a big streak of yellow metal in his make-up. 



You have probably pulled off just as many mean 
stunts as your neighbors have, only you haven't kept 
track of them. 



What your neighbors don't know about you they will 
guess at, and some of them are pretty dam good guessers, 
too! 

The least a person has in his head the more he wants 
in his guts; and that's why so mnay people are always 
eating, but never reading. 

You can fool the public — you can fool the police, and 
you can fool your wife, but I'll be damned if you can 
fool yourself — unless you are a Democrat and intend to 
vote as your grandfather did! 



92 



The Fool Killer 



NEW 

Hog Slats and Kakel Fruit— Ba- 

kon and egs. 
Sow Slabs and Wing Berries — 

Bakon and egs. 
Hog Kaboos and Shel Wings — 

Ham and egs. 
Drainaje Kanal — Fried liver. 
Float Food — Soup. 
Jurman Peaches — Unyuns. 
Red Splasli — Tomato soup. 
Kakel Fruit in the Moonlite— 

Poached egs. 
Kloudy Moonlite — Fried egs. 
Irish Swim — Potato soup. 
Vaild Moonlite — Boild egs. 
Ges Float — Medly soup. 
Moonlite on the Harvest — Egs on 

toast. 
Kakel at Home — Raw egs. 
Hen Kow — Cheez omelet. 
Kindergarten,' Bossy — Smal steak. 
Hibrow Bossy — Sirloin steak. 
Oshun Quails on a Submarine — 

Oysters on haf-shel. 
Root and Song — Pork and beans. 
Boston Orkestra — Baked beans, 
Irish Steak — Fried potatoes. 
Swis Kow — Cheez. 
Red Sea — Wotermelon. 
Sea Splash — Oyster soup. 
Sawdust Afloat — Brekfast food 

with milk or kream. 
Kow Koffee— Milk. 
Sawdust Koffe — Postum. 
Goat Koffee — Buttermilk. 
Kaliko Booz — Koffee. 
Kakel Koffe— Tea. 
Kakel Koffe in Alaska — Ice tea. 
Dream Milk — Kream. Kow poetry. 
Klondike Pudding — Ice* kream. 
Alaskan Hibol — Lemonade. 
Rubber Heels — Koko-Kola. 
Suffrajet Koktail — Pink lemonade 

with a hairpin in it. 
Brunet S-cothing Syrupy — A choko- 

late ice cream soda. 
Baby Beer — Malted milk. 
Irish Tea — Wisky. 
Jurman Koffe — Beer. 
French Koffe — Wine. 



SLANG. 

Spanish Koffe — Brandy. 

Russian Koffe — Vodka. 

Glory Dane — Mince pie. 

Anejel Egs — Strawberries. 

Wor Grease — Butter. 

Guber Lard — Peanut butter. 

Irish Wiskers — Spinach. 

Old Glory— Pie. 

Baled Hay — Shredded wheat. 

Tame Wings — Chiken. 

Wild W T ings — Prairie chiken or 
grouse. 

Woter Wings — Duk. 

Honk Wings — Goos. 

Anejel Fruit — Peaches. 

Nigger Chiken — Tossum. 

Tre Steak— Squrl. 

Jump Steak — Frog legs. 

Romeo — Pijun. 

Juliet — Squobs. 

Kotton Steak— Rabit. 

Alfalfa Venison — Jakrabit. 

Kloth Meat— Sheep or mutton. 

Baby Tok — Lam chops. 

Yello Rain — Kantaloupe. 

Dixie Irish — Sweet potatoes or 
yams. 

Rabit Potatoes — Kabaje. 

Irish Ammunishun — Peas. 

Robert Harvest — Quail on toast. 

Drouth Harvest — Dry toast. 

Wet Harvest — Milk toast. 

Oyster Weeds — Celery. 

Hibrow Gras — Lettuce. 

Munky Bred — Kokonut. 

Squrl Bred — Any kind ov nuts ex- 
cept kokonuts. 

Vermilion Tramps — Beets. 

Strut Steak— Turky. 

Dimund Wates — Karrots. 

Italian Oysters — Makaroni. 

Hebrew Sausaje — Spagetti. 

Sea Pork or Hogs — Fish. 

Yidish Lard — Garlik. v 

Grain in the Stak — Bred. 

Grain in the Shok — Biskuts. 

Nigger Pie — Korn bred. 

Fodder— iKorn on the kob. 

Hibrow Bred — Kake. 

Wor Bred — Bukweat kakes. 



The Fool Killer 93 

Wor Bred and Tre Juce — Bukweat Drink Bone — T-bone steak. 

kakes and mapel syrup. Bryan Beer — Grapejuce. 

Baby Ribons — Veal kutlets. Toasted Wings — Fried chiken. 

Chinese Oatmeal — Rice. Munky Pie — Kokonut pie. 
Hog Tok — Pork chops. 



FASHION NOTE, 

Giraffe-neck shoes and bottomless skirts are still popu- 
lar with the swell Willie Girls Who possess beautiful kin- 
dergarten bovenes and expensive lingerie, and nothing to 
do but roll about Pettiocat Lane and tango Dollie Avenue, 
matinee at the Shubert and Gayety, sip at Morton's and 
nibble at Emery-Bird's and luncheon at the Boozbak and 
Baltimore. 



The chicken that is too lazy to scratch worms for 
itself would be a curiosity to its neighbors; but among 
humans such a worthless bird is respected and envied. 



Many a boob is grouchy and sour on the world be- 
cause he has nothing but himself to love. No wonder the 
birds refuse to sing to him* 



The person who lives only for himself hasn't much 
to live for, and his grave will never be taken for a flower 
garden. 

A fishworm and a spider are the only boobs that ob- 
ject to having their backs scratched. They don't know 
what real pleasure is. 



What has become of the old-fashioned man who used 
to lie flat down on his belly and drink branch water out 
of the creek? 



The kid that feels sorry because the schoolhouse 
burnd Will more likely be found in Sunday school than 
at the ball game. 

If we could sell ourselves at our own valuation, the 
most of us would be millionaires and playing hooky in 
the High Clover over on Easy Street and Joy Avenue. 



94 



The Fool Killer 




&$ 



C g% Cgpp 



A DISCIPLE OF DOLLARIZED RELIGION. 



The Fool Killer 95 

A mouse is not much of a quadruped in point of size, 
but the little fur-lined chigger can soon make" a mighty 
big hole in a meal-sack; and the same way with a small 
bad-habit — it will soon gnaw the corners of your soul. 



Knowledge is mental wing-power, 

And helps you every hour 

To fly away from trouble. 

It is an asset — everywhere a start — 

A recommendation in every clime and mart, 

And makes every joy double. 



If your Conscience calls you on the lenoleum after 
midnight and your Soul makes faces at you every chance 
it gets, you'd better revise your business methods, send 
your habits to a Keeley-laundry, subscribe for The Fool 
Killer, join the Socialist Party and attend the Church of 
This World. 



Nothing so beautifies ones hands as using them in 
doing useful labor and helping others; and any kind of a 
nose can be made handsome by keeping it out of other 
people's affairs. 



Tadel your own canoe," says a capitalist proverb. 
That might do if you had a canoe, but about 90 per cent 
of the boobs haven't any such a conveyance as a water 
flivver; and then all capitalists waters are so full of mines 
and subs it would be a rather ticklish job if one had 
a whole flotilla of canoes. All capitalist advise has a 
string to it and a hole in it. 



Thinking is flying with your mind, and reason is 
the key that will unlock all the shackels on your beans; 
but it must be your own reason. 



The bedbug is not a very spry boob, 

But no one ever calls him a Rube; 

He's quietly doing the best he can 

To make a living without work — the same as a man. 



96 The Fool Killer " 

THE KAISER AND RATTLESNAKES. 

A rattlesnake always shakes its rattles and thus 
warns its victim of impending death — but not so the 
kaiser with his infernal submarines. There's quite a dif- 
ference between those two reptiles, but it all seems to be 
in favor of the rattler. 



Behaving yourself, keeping well and ahead of the 
Wolf, playing the Old Game (Life) fairly and loving 
some good woman who loves you is about all there is t6 
it anyway. 



The boob who wants to sit up with a girl till away 
into the wee small hours of the morning is just the kind 
that makes a very poor husband. After he has been 
married to her a week or so he will go off downtown at 
nights and have a good time with the boys and not return 
to her till after midnight, and then usually in a soused 
condition. Every well bred and sensible girl who values 
her good name will dismiss her beau at 11 p. m. The 
nights were made for sleeping — not for sitting up with 
some 30-cent boob and seeing how long you can stand hia 
silly and empty love-making. If he is a reputable young 
man and really loves you and means business instead of 
camouflage, he will not want to do anything that will 
put a stain on your good name. Don't be weak and vacil- 
lating — be firm and positive and make him go at 11, and 
he will think all the more of you for it. If he finds that 
you are weak and wavering and can't say no at the right 
time and place, he won't want you for a wife, for he will 
realize that a weak and vacillating wife could be easily 
influenced by other men during his absence from home. 
By sitting up until several o'clock in the morning with a 
cigareted and high-colared guy is the very best way to 
disgust him with you, and to lessen your chances of ever 
winning any other man that's Worth having. 

The money that men waste on booze and tobacco 
would just about keep the women supplied with corsets 
and face dope, $18 shoes and $50 hats. Oh, it's the life, 
Steve! 



"' The Fool Killer 97 

"Dead men tell no tales." The above wonderful peace 
of wisdom evidently does not apply to dead women. 

Hoping is dreaming while you are awake — the mind 
window wishing through the universe without any 
clothes on. 



Heredity is the seed, Environment is the soil and 
Education is the plow. Without the plow the seed will 
have a hard time getting by. 



It's a pretty safe bet that our soldiers and sailors 
won't name any of their coming sons "Wilhelml" 



THE CHAMPION VILLAIN. 

If any man deserves to be shot with a diagonal and 
snake-dancing bullet that's tipped with rattlesnake poison 
and the cyanide of hell, it's the sneaking and profit- 
seeking cuss who puts gravel in with salted peanuts to 
make them weigh well. We've nearly ruined our million- 
dollar set of teeth trying to masticate the gravel We find 
in salted peanuts. Steve, if you ever find the habitat of 
one of these human-formed snakes, please call us up on 
the nearest wireless. 

Marrying one you don't love is playing a dirty, low- 
down, Shanty-Irish trick on your heart, and your soul 
will never forgive you. 

Marry only for love — and if you are too lazy to work 
for a living, you can have the thrilling romance of starv- 
ing to death in each other's arms. 

JIM CROW LAWS. 

What's the matter with having separate coaches and 
separate waiting rooms for those white females who are 
dusky enough on the inside to sell themselves for a meal 
ticket and then get a buck dog for a pet and companion? 



Your ignorance is the key that enables the other fel- 
lows to unlock your pocketbook and henhouse. 



98 The Fool Killer 

Humans are the only animals that marry commer- 
cially and mjurder their unborn offspring, and then have 
the dirty nerve to get drunk on religion and ask "God" 
to save their worthless souls. What use would God have 
for such souls? 



Ignorance is a big diagonal hole in your pocket, Mike, 
and unless you sew it up with the Thread of Knowledge, 
you're going to be mighty shy of cash all your life. 

Boys, it never pays to be anything but a gentleman 
— unless you're a sissy and smoke cigarets, and then no 
one expects you to be a gentleman. 

There seems to be some mysterious connection be- 
tween musical talent and an appetite for booze and calico; 
the more of a musician a man is, the greater his capacity 
for Glory-Juice and Dolly Birds. This is one of the mys- 
teries that continues to mist. 



If you want to see the biggest fool in town, just leer 
at yourself through the bottom of a booze glass; and if 
you want to squint at the dirtiest and cheapest bounder 
in all the world, just look at yourself through your neigh- 
bors' eyes when you're loafing around smoking cigarets! 
Then you will see a picture of what every pure woman 
hates and contempts in her soul. You'll then understand 
why monkeys deny the Darwinian theory! 

The high cost of living is only the price that fools 
pay for the privilege of voting for what they don't want. 

Notwithstanding the hard times and the h. c. o. 1., 
the grocers are still selling more tobacco than flour, and 
the Man-in-the-Moon is wearing a clothespin on his nose 
in order to avoid the cigaret smoke with which Christians 
are polluting the universe; even the turky buzzards are 
flying much higher and the polecats are all dying off 
from envy I 

The military age is 18 to 45, Percival, but Death, 
taxes, grass widows and the h. c. o. 1. have no age limit. 



The Fool Killer 99 

A NEW PROFESSOR NEEDED. 
Every college needs a Chair to teach the students 
how much of what they know isn't so. Sifting out the 
bull is the highest part of an education. 



The girl who smokes cigarets and drinks cocktails is 
a real Willie Boy — a regular guy; and would be about as 
successful as a wife as a Snowflake touring Hell with a 
fur-lined overcoat on. 



FOUR FRIENDS. 

Eating Too Much, Breathing Impure Air, Drinking 
Hard and Impure Water, and Tobacco, are the four best 
friends the Cemjetery ever had. 



Man knows very little at most, and most of what he 
does know isn't so. 

Christians have spilled enough blood of other Chris- 
tians to float the combined navies of the world — and still 
the Red Faucet is not turned of. 



DECEITFUL CITY. 

Yes, Miss Panzy Mercedes McHope, of Paloa, Kansas, 
the "D.C." that is written after the Potomac city of 
Washington means Deceitful City, and if you don't think 
The Fool Killer is a reliable historian, you just go down 
there to that village of Official Sin and High-Powered 
Cussedness, and locate, and see how long your Nancj 
Animal will be a free Angora; but you'd better take the 
precaution of buying a round-trip ticket, for Paloa is 
always a pretty good old town to come back to. 



If some of these married men would stay home at 
nights with Genevieve and the kidoes instead of building 
a stink-weed fire under their snoots and then going down 
on Pipe-Organ Avenue (12th street) and Glory- Juicing 
the movies with the Dollie-Bird Nightingales; and if the 
employers of female labor would pay their girls enough 
to live on decently, the Sparrow Avenues and the Chicken 
Cabarets would soon be as lonesome and obsolete as Old 
Union Avenue or a Livery Stable in Detroit. 



100 



The Fool Killer 




1coodzHcao0xH>:o0fe 



FACEOLOGY. 

The above cuts show how to read character from the face, and this 
knowledge is a valuable asset to one's mental equipment, and will often 
save you from being- imposed upon by disreputable persons. 

The B. & N. on the facial scale stands for Brain and Nerves; the B. & 
M. for Bones and Muscles, and the V. & R. for Vital and Reproductive. 



The Fool Killer 



101 





FACEOLOGY. 

This signifies that if the B. & N. predominates the individual will be brainy 
and nervous; if the B. & M. are in the lead he will be bony and muscular— 
an athlete and inclined to rough work and outdoor sports, but if the 
V. & R. take the lead, the individual will be inclined to eating, drinking, 
indolence and will be a calico chaser. 



102 The Fool Killer 



THE GREAT BUILDER. 

LOVE is the Carpenter that builds all real homes 
and the Artist that decorates them with invisible flowers 
and unseen pictures. 

Every fact is a shutless-book in Nature's Indestruct- 
ible Library — an Unmuzzled Voice singing- grand opera 
in the wilderness. 

Joplin is our human Prairie-Dog Town — the Kansas 
City of the Ozarks. 

Never argue with a woman — either let her have her 
own way or take an ax to her; but you can be polite and 
gentlemanly even in the use of an ax. 

A hunk o' wine, a jug of bread, a book of vurs libre, 
a few Hawaiian records and a chicken underneath the 
bamboo tree, may have been an ample menu for Old 
Omar and his Persian boes, but that kind of a layout 
would be considered a rather Hooverized banquet by our 
modern poets like Harry Kemp, Walter Hurt and the 
editors of the Pink Rag and The Pitchfork. 

THE PASSING YEARS. 

The years pass on, but do not die, 

They play a game we cannot beat — - 

They drift adown Time's mouldy corridors — 

Eternity's vast Old Appian Way, 

And like a memory, dim and sweet, 

They acho back from day to day. 

They always say farewell when passing by, 
And no matter what our thoughts ntay be, 
Our only answer is a hungry sigh, 
And they drift on — to dream Eternity. 
Only Memory can o'ertake them in their wandering flight, 
And brings back rich cargoes to feed the soul at night. 



Every lie is a rope with which Superstition strangles 
the Truth — a poisoned arrow aimed at every wing. 



___ The Fool Killer 103 

THE CALL OF THE WILD. 

Miss Gloria Undine Barkwood, of Mexico, Missouri, 
writes and wants to know what the "Call of the Wild" is. 
That's right, sis, always ask when you don't know, and 
in that way you are acquiring* an education on the in- 
stallment plan. "The Call of the Wild" is the poetical 
name for the Cave-Man in us, and especially when that 
primordial and feral cuss gets restless and begins to send 
out S. 0. S. calls by wireless for his Primeval Doll-rags. 
Come again, Gloria. 



A Rebel Mind is a Breakless Wing that laughs the 
clouds away and makes faces at the Changeless and 
Eternal Skies! 



My son, a Free Mind is the only Life Boat that can- 
not be submarined nor stormed upon the rocks. 



Mr. Time is the only Worker who don't lose his job 
when he gets old. 



THE QUESTIONAIRE. 

"Poppa, wot makes the water wet?" asked Little Bill, 

"And why is the grass so green on every hill?" 

"And while you're at it," mused Little Jim, 

"Why is the Man in the Moon, and wot do you know of 

him?" 
"And if you please, poppa, dear," piped Ethel May, 
"Wot makes the Peacock's clothes so bright and gay?" 
"And I'd like to know," said Little Bob, with a twinkle 

in his eye, 
"Why are the stars so far up in the sky?" 
"And if you're not too tired, poppa," coaxed Mamie May, 
"Who put the odor in the new-mown hay?" 
"Why are flies so fond of baldheads?" demanded Sweet 

Marie, 
"And why do firds fly and humans flee?" 
"You kids make me tired and my head aches like Hell!" 
"0 yes! papa," chimed in Little Nell, 
"Also tell us where is Hell?" 



104 The Fool Killer 

BIG WAGES. 

Man comes into this world a naked and hungry In- 
terrogation Point — a blank and helpless little (Restless 
Worm — and immediately gets a temporary job on the 
Milk Wagon and begins to make trouble. After a hard 
life of work, struggling, suffering and deprivation, he 
plays the same role of Blank Nothing at the Good-Bye 
Gate that only swings outward and never takes back, and 
then he becomes a table de hote dinner for the Voiceless 
Mouth of the Pallid Worm. He came into this world 
from the Silent Womb of the Great Nowhere, and returns 
back into that Voiceless Uterus of the Vast Unknown as 
& finale act. The only difference between his advent 
and exodus is the insignificant fact that Society mag- 
nanimously hands him a cheap suit of brunette clothes at 
the Farewell Portal as his Pay Envelope for a life of toil 
and suffering. Some wages, eh, Steve? He must have 
belonged to a Labor Union and voted the Old Party 
tickets ! 



Behaving yourself and not injuring others is about 
the sum total of righteousness; but these are the two 
things that humans are most reluctant to do. 



Every time you swat yourself in the slats with a 
bad-habit, it's several days nearer train time, and the 
Devil is your Engineer and Mr. Tastegood is the Con- 
ductor, and he's drunk and running without orders and 
the Bridge over Deep Creek is out! 



THE SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON. 

Who was the smallest man mentioned in the Bible? 

Mr. Ne-hi-mi-ah. 

What part of the Bible mentions socks? 

The Book of Hosea. 

What part of the Bible do horses and mules like best? 

First and Second Timothy. 

When is it dangerous to attend church? 

When there's a Big Gun in the pulpit, backed up by 
the canons of the church, and when the ladies of the 
congregation have their faces loaded with powder. 



The Fool Killer 105 

Health is the Foundation of Life, but LOVE is the 
Music and .Color that gives it the finishing touch and 
makes ft an Eternal Poem — an Immprtal Dream. 

I would rather have my health and self-respect and 
be at peace with myself than to have all the wealth in 
the world and know that my own soul was making 
faces at me. 



Behave yourself in the forenoon of life and then 
you and your soul will be good friends in the p. m. of 
existence, and can enter the Evening Shadows together 
arm in arm, and without any fear of Memory throwing 
brickbats at you. 

The only principle the old parties know anything 
about is spelled with an a. 

What's the difference between the Union Man and 
the Scab when they both vote the same capitalist ticket? 
And where would you draw the dividing line between the 
pious church miember and the bartender who vote the 
same old Republican or Democratic ticket? The Devil 
may have some very fine lines in his mighty tool-box 
that would be able to segregate them, but we'll be 
damned if we have any! Drive on, Steve. 

One touch of winter makes us all akin — 

Especially those poor devils who have no fuel in their bin, 

And while the hi-kost-of -living makes us swear, 

It brings us closer together in our deep despair. 



Every good deed is a flower seed and will come 
back some time in the middle of the night and smooth 
the wrinkles out of your pillow and sing alto in your 
dreams. 



Ninety-nine women out of every hundred would be 
good and tango the right road if they had a criance. 
It's hard for a woman to be good on an empty life and 
a broken heart. 



106 



The Fool Killer 







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The Fool Killer 107 

BETTING. 

Yes, Steve, we used to do a little gambling in our 
earlier days, but of late years we've been a model deacon 
— a deacon that can deak. The last time we took a flyer 
on a sure thing was about two weeks after we got mar- 
ried, when, one morning at breakfast, we nonchalantly 
tossed a two-bit piece on the table and tauntingly offered 
to bet that amount that we were going to be the BOSS 
in our family henceforth and in the neighborhood of for- 
ever, and that no confounded woman (even if she did 
weigh nearly 109 pounds in the shade) should play the 
Mosaic role in our household and get by with it. Well, 
Old Scout, it is never a very pleasant nor hilarious sub- 
ject to discuss one's Waterloos and Verduns, so we'll 
merely add that we soon and suddenly became a convert 
to the "peace at any price" doctrine, and any of you mar- 
ried men can easily inform! the historian who won that 
two-bit piece. 



THE STRAIGHT OF IT. 

Mary had a little husband, 

Whose clothes were old and gray — 

He was very much opposed to dryness, 
And hated toil in every way. 

He followed her to work one day, 

Which was against the laundry rules — 
It made the other girls all laugh and say: 
• "Married women are such silly fools!" 

So the foreman kicked him out, 

And said a job would be the proper thing — 
"A job indeed!" sed Tommy Stout, 

"The boob must think I am an easy thing!" 

IGNORANCE is the Devil's mortgage on the worker's 
mind. 



The boob that can't read nor write nor think is the 
ideal servant. 



108 The Fool Killer 

Long as you behave yourself and play fair, your 
Soul will be your Sweetheart and go mooning with you 
in the Twilight. 

REASON is the Mind's only light that Superstition 
can't blow out — it's Humanity's Eternal Sun that out- 
shines the Night — the Morning and Evening Star of 
Hope. 



Men may have been evolved from monkeys, but it is 
more likely that the women are descended from the 
bears, for they're called ' 'tale-bearers" even unto the 
present day. 

There's nothing like a religious jag to make you 
think your chains are jewelry and your slavery freedom. 

Man is the only animal in the world that can jolly 
himself into believing that he is not dead after he dies. 
Yes, Steve, he's some lollapaloozer all right! Give him 
the Booby prize and a Koka Kola Koktail with a Y. ML C. 
A„ cigarette in it. 



Man gets drunk on sky-promises and calls it re- 
ligion and thinks it will save him. Save him from what? 
Failure? Sickness? Suffering? Freezing? Prison? Star- 
vation? Defeat? Death? Instead of saving him it gets 
him into trouble and makes him more or less of a lunatic 
and nuisance. 



A TRINITY OF HOLES. 

Yes, my son, the Cigarette is a Trinity of Holes — a 
hole in your pocket — an apperture in your health, and a 
hiatus in your morals; and after a few years of auto- 
poisoning with these toxin weeds, you're holey enough to 
be eligible to high rank in the Thirty-Cent Class. 



The Whisky Bottle closes every door that's worth 
entering and opens every portal that leads to failure and 
Oblivion. It will introduce you to the Rogue's Gallery 
and slip you Mr. Potter's address. 



The Fool Killer 109 

Man is the Slang of Animals — the Rag-time of Cre- 
ation — Nature's Tin Horn Sport and Standing Joke. He's 
the only bird that can entertain himself with his own 
foolishness and never get tired of it. What is your 
address, Irene? 



A FAMOUS PAINTER. 

The Whisky Bottle is a famous artist — in fact, it has 
painted nearly all the mugs in the Rogue's Gallery. It 
has also painted most of the slums — in water colors — 
the tears of women and children! 



The Whisky Bottle will at last call your Soul a liar, 
and the Cigarette will second the motion; and it can 
mock you in every language when your misery is too 
great to bear. 



The Cigarette will soon locate every saloon and bawdy 
house for you and introduce you to the Rag-Time Brother- 
hood — the loud-neckwear gents that you wouldn't want 
your sister to meet. 

Why have debts such a sting? 
Because every one has a b in it. 



Why doesn't a tree move when it leaves? Probably 
for the same reason that a dog's bark is not its skin, and 
for the same reason that an elephant's trunk has no lock, 
key nor lid to it, and yet nobody ever steals from it. 
Crank the Ford, Steve. 



IN BOTH CLASSES. 
The human race is divided into two classes — fools and 
dam-fools — and we generally manage to hold down a 
place in both sections. 



Bad habits are a religion to the fools who let their 
guts boss them. 



It don't take the Devil long to find out all the bad 
things you know about your neighbors. 



110 



The Fool Killer 







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THE ETERNAL BATTLE 

Between Right Ideas and Wrong Ideas. All trouble in 
this world is caused by wrong ideas. These wrong ideas 
are the poisons that are rapidly destroying the race. By 
reading the Fool Killer you Will discover how much of 
what you know isn't so, and that's the knowledge you 
need to keep you from cork'n yourself and drift'n into 
the Foolish Works. 



The Fool Killer 111 

UNCLE SAM'S DUMPING GROUND. 

Oklahoma is Uncle Sam's dumping ground — Creation's 
Garbage Pile, and the step-child of Kansas and the victim 
of the Profit System and the Democratic party. It is 
made up largely of the flotsam and jetsam and the dis- 
possessed of the other states and all creation — the crook 
and criminal — the gouger and grafter — the 600 per cent 
Christian — the leather-saloonist — the squaw-man — the 
slacker and dodger — the land-grabber — the gambler and 
speculator — the cheat and fraud — the sneak and snoop — 
the white-slaver — the wage-slaver — the squatter—- the 
drifter — the sooner — the outlaw — the inlaw — the politi- 
cian — the evangelist — the hoo-doo — the fortune-teller — the 
Hill-Billy — the Night-Rider — the mental-prostitute — the 
sanctified sneaks — the liar — the fink and spy — the com- 
pound-hypocrite — the shylock — the short weight sneak — 
the land-lord— the murderer — the train robber — the bank 
robber — the yeg-man — the Indian-cheater — the Hun — the 
Shanty-Irish — the Greaser — the prairie dog — the cactus — ■ 
the mesquite — the coyote — the kangaroo-louse — the Po'h 
White Trash — the quack doctor — the jackleg syhster — 
the peanut politician — the rattlesnake — the pro-German — 
the pan-villain, and several unclassified crooks and kroos- 
ters, and nearly all of them trying to make a living by 
gouging and deceiving each other. It makes a hell of a 
social and political conglomeration that defies classifica- 
tion. The state itself is rich and varied in its natural 
resources and climate, and could easily be made a garden 
spot — a heaven-on-earth. It is one of the prettiest places 
on earth, and Nature was surely in a generous mood when 
she endowed it for man's habitation. All it needs is a 
sane and decent social system — so the people can make a 
living without gouging each other. The state only has 
three drawbacks, and the Democratic party is all three 
of them — and then some. The most of its people are good 
at heart and want to do the right thing, but it is simply 
impossible for a people to be nice to one another, and at 
the same time make a living by gouging each other. 
The profit-system and morals will not mix, and it's use- 
less to waste time and effort trying to make them hook 



112 The Fool Killer 

up together and be brothers. Socialism is the only rem- 
edy and hope. It's the only thing- that can keep this fair 
state from drifting back into the Primeval Jungle. Buy 
two tickets to K. C., Steve. 



As people do not start for "Heaven" until they're 
dead, it is no wonder they never reach their destination.. 



NOT AFRAID. 

No, Steve, we're not afraid of Death, for it is only 
one of Nature's eternal processes by which we are all 
reduced to a handful of Elemental Nothing; and with 
this old raw material Nature grimly spits on her Al- 
mighty Hands and start all over agoin, hoping to do a 
better job next time. Only the ignorant blockheads who 
have been duped and frightened are afraid of Death — 
our nearest neighbor and best friend. 



A UNIVERSAL WEAKNESS. 

Most parents think their children are the only bub- 
bles on the cream, whereas, they are generally only mis- 
erable flies in the milk. But then 

Every old Black Crow 

Thinks her babies white as snow, 

And every old Gray Rat 

Thinks her little hairless brat 

The King of Beasts; 

And even the sparrows up in the tree, 

Think their nestlings soon will be 

iRex Eagles — Emperors of all the air; 

And my mother used to think that I 
Would some time write my name 
High upon the Walls of Fame, 
And navigate the Shoreless Sky. 

A PASS KEY. 

The whisky hotel is the Master Key that will unlock 
every jail to you — an invitation from the Cemetery to go 
swimming in Oblivion. 



The Fool Killer 113 

My son, if you are looking' for a wife, squint clear 
above and over the Dollie-ied females who are obliquely 
sticking out of the ninth story skylight of $30 shoes and 
wearing $50 lids on two-bit cranium^. Nature never in- 
tended such $-marked cartoons for wives and mothers. 

THE SOUL'S NEEDS. 

LABOR— Food for the soul. 
READING— Growth for the soul. 
SLEEP— Rest for the soul. 
CLEANLINESS— Health for the soul. 
REASON— Light for the soul. 
THINKING— Strength for the soul. 
LIBERTY— Wings for the soul. 
CONSCIENCE— Guide for the soul. 
HOPE — Anchor for the soul. 
HONESTY— Peace for the soul. 
GENEROSITY— Warmth for the soul. ' 
CHEERFULNESS— Sunshine for the soul. 
FRIENDSHIP— Vines for the soul. 
AMUSEMENT— Play for the soul. 
KINDNESS— Perfume for the soul. 
POLITENESS— Cream for the soul. 
HOSPITALITY— Wine for the soul. 
MUSIC— Poetry for the soul. 
ART — Refinement for the soul., 
PURITY— Flowers for the soul. 
LOVE— Life for the soul. 



ABOUT AN EVEN BREAK. 

Which is the more injurious — corsets or cigarettes — 
high-heel shoes or high-balls — woman's foolishness or 
man's stupidity — woman's extravagance or man's Waste- 
fulness — woman's bad temper or man's ugly disposition — 
woman's vanity or man's conceit? 



NEOLOGY (New Words). 

TUMP — A chump hoo tels al hiz FOOZEL — Red tapeing — putter- 
privet affares to enywun he ing around and duing uceles 
meets. and unnecessary things. 

WOOZEL— The brain. BOOLK— Wun hoo shoots the bul 

BOOLK — A medler — a but-in-sky. with a flag. 



114 



The Fool Killer 



SKIK — A cigar store. 

OOK — A book store. 

NAD — A newsstand. 

M EX — A drug store. 

HAMP — A hardware store. 

BUSK — A butcher shop or meat 

store. 
FESK— A fish shop wher only 

fish and oysters ar sold. 
KILE — A kash rejister. 
LOMP — A lumber yard. 
LEK— Elektrik lite. 
GUNT— A shotgun. 
SLET— A sneak theef . 
BAZ — A bathroom. 
HARNT — A harnes shop or store. 
DURP — A real estate or land 

off is. 
ZOKE— A land ajent ©t durt 

gambler. 
TUNK — An insuranc ajent. 
RESK — An insuranc offis. 
TUKE — A muny lender or phylok. 
PANK — A pawnshop — Unkel 

Tuke. 
FOODEL— A pet huzband. 
MUZ — A masheen shop or repair 

shop for masheenery. 
ZOP— A redlite distrikt— the Kal- 
iko Hel. 

ROONT— A rooming hous. 

KUZ — A railroad kumpany. 

SMELK— The stok yards. 

KRUT— A chiken koop. 

FRUN — A pikchur frame. 

KOOV — A propozal ov marraje. 

SNUL — A sno storm or blizard. 

NOLK— A publik hi skool. 

MELK— A medikal skool or kol- 
ledj. 

TOONT— A dental kolledj. 

ZOOV — A marraje ceremony. 

GOK — A Sunda skool wher relijun 
iz taut. 

PRILT— A printing shop. 

KALP — A kaning faktory. 

LAWK— A law skool or kolledj. 

NUKE— A muzik skool. 

PADJ — A smol pece ov koton or 
kloth uzd to apply a medicin. 

KUKE— A kukumber. 



MAWK — A muther-in-law. 
PAWK— A fother-in-law. 
DAWK — A dauter-in-law. 
SAWK — A son-in-law. 
BRUM— A bruther-in-law. 
SINT— A sister-in-law. 
GRALF — A supreme kourt. 
FLIMP— A bank akkount. 
STEK— A stepchild. 
MUNT — A muny order. 
EK — A postal kard. 
MEK— A postkard. 
SWUMP— A mental bio or a swot 

in the mind. 
TRUNT— A railroad trak. 
NEP— A door nob. 
GRAK— The slak and uther tail- 
ings from a mine that iz 
ground up into smol partikals 
and uzd into road bilding and 
in making konkrete wols, etc. 
BLUZ — A dust or sand storm. 
VEO — An overkoat. 

UDE — An undershurt. 
VOR— An overshu. 

NID — A dinner tabel. 

LEB — A riting tabel. 

WAMP— Wol paper. 

KLET— A tabelkloth. 

GIS — A nitegown. 

TRIN— A shustring. 

GRON — A grindstone. 

NINK — A whetstone. 

STRILP— A straw hat. 

SILP— A silk hat. 

DAL — A lead pencil. 

SLAL — A slate pencil. 

SKAP— A skul kap. 

PEL— Appel pi. 

PELP— Peach pi. 

NIM — Mine pi. 

TARP— Kustard pi. 

PULT— Kokonut pi. 

BLEP— Blakbery pi. 

RESP— Raspbery pi. 

INT— Raisin pi. 

NUP— Punkin pi. 

GOR — Goosbery pi. 

RALK — Kurrant pi. 

CHEN— Chiken pi. 

WO Y— Oyster pi. 



The Fool Killer 



115 



I SH— Irish stu. 

VEJ — Vejetabel soup. 

ULJ — Insanity from disappoint- 
ment in luv. 

SLIL — A mail sak. 

STANT — A stamping masheen. 

DEG— A diging masheen. 

YAN— Frunt yard. 

YAB— Bak yard. 

MULJ — Insanity from disappoint- 
ment in biznes. 

RELJ — Relijus insanity. 

KALJ — Sexual insanity. 

ZULJ — Insanity from booz. 

DULJ — Insanity from drugs. 

FALJ — Flag insanity. 

FALJAK— A flag lunatik. 

KOLK— The spinal kolum. 

OILT— An oil wel. 

GAW — A gas wel. 

ALK — A koal mine. 

GINE— A gold mine. 

SILV — A silver mine. 

NEN — A lead mine. 

ZEN — A zink mine. 

POR — A kopper mine. 

DALK — A dimund mine. 

FREG — A railroad frog. 

BAM — A match box. 

PLET— A korn planter. 

BLOOK — A lunatik asylum. 

FOW — A flower garden. 

A ,P — A rat trap. 

E P — A mous trap. 

TEB — A bear trap or eny larj 
trap. 

OHELP— A cheez omelet. 

POLP — A potato omelet made 
with potatoes, cheez, kream, 
celery-solt, butter and blak 
pepper. 

JELT— A jely omelet. 

HALP — A ham omelet. 

SALP— Potato salad. 

SALG — An eg salad. 

FRULT— A fruit salad. 

DISP— A chafing dish. 

RILT — A typewriter ribon. 

DOM — A male dog. 
DAME — A female dog. 



NIZ — A woch chain. 

ZOB — A woch charm or fob. 

STUV— A kook stove. 

PEZ — A paint store. 

ZAM — A mining kumpany. 

PROKE — A produce dealer. 

GRAST— A garbaje kan. 

ROM — A waiting room. 

OIT— An oil tank. 

IRG — An irrigating ditch. 

GALD — A gambling den or hous. 

KROOSTER— A krook hoo swin- 

dels wimen by making luv to 

them. 
GRIK — Wun hoo thinks for an- 

uther. 
BRUNK — A male sex maniak hoo 

iz addikted to booz, tobako 

and drugs. 
GRUNK — A sex purvert hoo duz 

not uze booz, tobako and 

drugs. 
KRUNK — A wite slaver or pimp 

ov the male sex. 
GRULK — A wite slaver of the fe- 
male sex. 
KEL— A handkerchief. 
STOPO— A railway station. 
STRELK— A street kar. 
GARK — A garage. 
ROLK — An automobele. 
A K — A flying masheen. 
AKIT— An aviator ov the male 

sex. 
AKEL — A female aviator. 
AKO — An aviashun field or 

grounds. 
AKUM— A gark or stabel for aks. 
DREN— A female duk. 
DREL^-A baby duk. 
GAN— The male goos — a gander. 
GEN — The female goos. 
GEL — A baby goos. 
FIS— A male fish. 
FES — A female fish. 
FEST— A baby fish. 
GAB — A female turky. 
GEB— A baby turky. 
GOB — A male turky. 



116 



The Fool Killer 



POTRAK— A male giny. 

PUTRAK— A female giny. 

PETRAK— A baby giny. 

HEZ-ZE-AM-PER— A dam fool 
hoo iz aware ov it, but iz 
proud ov it and glories in it. 

GULK — A uneyun man or wuman 
hoo votes a sEab tiket. 

RELK — An independent and sasy 
kus hoo duz hiz own thinking 
and wont let enywun step on 
hiz toes or rijhts. 

GIKEL — A boob hoo mixes relijun 
with hiz biznes. 

BOOBEL— Pifel with a thret at- 
tachd to it. 

BUNKEL— A dececd bean— a ded 
or stagnant brain. 

PREED — A moral purvert ov the 
kommurshal and vishus kind 
hoo beleevs in kiling his fello 
humans for profit. 

GILK — A vain, shalo and homely 
boob hoo iz more or les af- 
flikted with kalikoitis. 

KAL— I-KO-I-TIS — The akute 
and adolescent staje ov sex 
mania and sexual purvurzhun. 

KAL-I-KO-NO-IA — The kronik 
and senile staje ov sexual 
purvurzhun and mania. 

PUM — A strap-hanger in a strelk. 

GRILK— A lazy boob. 

JULK — A race maniak — a gink- 
hander hoo hates and boykots 
pepel on akkount ov thair 
nashunality. 

PELK — A hypokrit hoo pretends 
to be non-partisan. 

PREEM — A female prostitute hoo 
iz addikted to booz, tobako 
and drugs. 

PROOM — A female wanton hoo iz 
not addikted to booz, drugs, 
etc. 

PREL — A female hoo iz more or 
les ov a sex purvurt and hoo 
goes astra soley for the fun 
ov it, for in hur kace thare iz 
no ekonomik necesity. She 
may be singel or married. 
Prels ar very rare. 



STULK — A purson hoo iz habit- 
ualy mean from pure kused- 
nes and without eny apparant 
motiv. 

JELK — A chump hoo klings to hiz 
chains for fear he wud starv 
to deth and go to hel if he 
lost them. He kareses hiz 
shakels and fears thoze hoo 
wud set him fre. 

SKELK — A jentleman hoo iz so 
polite and kurteus he allows 
hiz wife to selekt hiz nekties 
and klothes for him and bos 
him, and then boasts ov it. 

NALK — A gilk hoo rites luv let- 
ers to himself. 

ROLT— A baby karraje. 

FALT— A lazy boob hoo lets hiz 
wife or children make hiz liv- 
ing for him. 

FRUNK— A frate train. 

FONK — A pasenjer train. 

BAMP — A bagaje room. 

TILK— A tiket off is. 

TINK— A telegraf offis. 

TELG — The wireles telegraf. 

WILG — A wireles telegraf off if. 

TONK— A dispatcher's offis. 

HOMP— Hedquorters. 

MANG— A battleship. 

BLOOKY — A dreamy and poetik 
hypnosis — a sort ov wild and 
romantik lunacy. 

STELK— A kowardly skunk hoo 
wont fite fair, but ambushes 
yu in the darjr — an unfair 
antagonist. 

KRIM— A kriminal. 

ENK — A dining room. 

TOOLT — A kommurshal traveler. 

OLK — A chautauqua speaker. 

DRILK — A blind tiger — a place 
wher likor is sold unlawfuly. 

SELP — A divorc lawyer. 

NULK— A rapist. 

KANK— A child stealer. 

PURK— A postoffis. 

U K — A postaje stamp. 

GRIMP — A grip or handbag. 

SUMP— A suitkace. 

DREEP— A bedroom. 



The Fool Killer 



117 



RIMBEL — Rusty, obsolete and de- 
kaed orthodoxy. 

RIMP — A fly bean hoo thinks he 
kan get the best f the bar- 
gen by cheating hiinself on 
the sly. 

SHELK — A dam fool hoo respekts 
thoze hoo bunko him. 

BELK — A dam fool hoo likes 
everything that iz injurius to 
him, and dislikes everything 
that iz good for him. 

DUNK — A male cigaret fiend. 

UNK — A female cigaretist. 

KELK — A printing pres or lino- 
type. 

KEM — A typewriter. 

ONK — A roking chair. 

KIK — A poketbook or purs — the 
trazhury. 

QUELK — A short story or sketch. 

SPALK — A washing masheen. 

BINK — A hiwayman — a bold rob- 
ber. . 

TELT— A toothbrush. 

POLK— A politikal party. 

KALT— A katel ranch. 

BALT — A sheep ranch. 

HOLK— A hogpen. 

SWIMP — A hedquorters for 
krooks. 

THRESP— A threshing masheen. 

WINT — A politikal speech or ad- 
dres. 

FENT— - A fenc post. 

KOW-FA— A big kaffa or res- 
taurant. 

KAF-FA — A smol restaurant or 
eting place. 

BUL-FA — A saloon wher foods ar 
also servd if dezired. 

KAB-A-RA — A hel- joint wher 
booz and etes, tobako and 
muzik and kaliko ar al survd 
together in wun stol. 

FLENK — A cheap skate and 
shurk hoo iz unwiling to du 
hiz part in the way ov paying 
hiz just share ov the expenses 
wen he iz out skylarking with 
uthers. 



KALK — A gilk hoo uzes a fone to 

jitny kaliko with. 
PALK— A female kalk. 
SQUELK— A klothes wringer for 

squeezing woter out ov 

klothes. 
WUNK — A wuman hoo iz mean to 

her huzband. 
HELK — A female fone gosiper 

wher the gosiping is with 

wimen. 
MALK — A male fone gosiper 

wher the gosiping is with 

men. 
RULT— A family quorl. 
HENT— An old maid. 
BONT— An old bachelor. 
SELK — A sewing masheen. 
USK — A grafafone or similar znu- 

zikal instrument. 
ORG — A pipe organ. 
BLUNK — A man hoo iz mean to 

hiz family. 
MOLK — A wuman or gurl hoo haz 

dogs for kompanyuns. 
GUNK — A man or boy hoo asso- 

shiates with dogs. 
GOLK— A motorcykel. 
TROLK— A motor! tricykel. 
GINK-AN-DER— A smart alek 

chump hooz beans ar al ful 

ov kinks and loops, az a re- 

zult ov leting uthers think for 

him, and hoo gets mad and 

rateld in an argument and 

wants to shoot hiz ideas into 

hiz opponent. 
SLOK— A slop buket. 
SWELK— A sugar buket. 
NELK — The last baby in a family. 

FELK— The furst baby in a 

family. 
FILK — A muving pikchur sho or 

theater. 
VOLK — A vaudevil sho or theater* 
HIMP — Grand opera. 
FUNT— Komik opera. 
VANK— A tent sho. 
BULZ — A burlesk sho or theater. 

ater. 



118 



The Fool Killer 



SUJ — A suffrajet meeting. 

LONT — A married wuman. 

LUNT — A gras wido. 

GROOK — A married man. 

GRUMP — A gras widoer. 

DILT — A divorcd man. 

DELT — A divorcd wuman. 

TULK — A male gosip. 

MULK — A female gosip. 

LULK — Wun hoo lies for the 
plazhur ov it. 

SHULK— A pade liar— a diplo- 
mat. 

HALK — A purson on the fenc — 
undecided — vacillating. 

SUNT — A presing, klening and 
repair shop for klothes. 

TANT— A tailor shop wher 
klothes ar made. 

DRENT— A dresmaking shop. 

HORK— A livery stabel. 

NUMP — An adding masheen. 

TOLT— A telegraf pole. 

POLT— A fone pole. 

DIR— A "railroad sekshun nous. 

FLUN— A flour mil. 

SANT— A sawmil. 

KONT— A korn field. 

WOLT— A wheat field. 

OLT— An oat field. 

POTE— A potato patch or field. 

WALT — A wotermelon patch. 

DOLK — A department store. 

BLUK — A polece stashun. 

FIK — A fire stashun. 

JIK— A danc hoi. 

SHEV— A barber shop. 

STRET— A trunk strap. 

TIKE — A marraje surtifikate. 

UKE — A weding ring. 



WENK — A woch spring. 

WUSK— A worsh stand. 

SHUP— A shu store. 

DILP — A snuf uzer or addikt. 

KOKE— A drug addikt. 

NUK — A muzik store. 

SKINK— A klothing store for 
men's klothes and furnish- 
ings. 

EAK — A grocery store. 

JELT — A juelry store. 

DEEST— A feed store that buys 
and sels feed for domestik 
animals. 

FURNT— A furnichur store. 

MIL ST — A milliner store or shop. 

ZEP — Luv siknes. 

YUR — A city manager. 

MUX — War bred. A bred made 
out ov wheat and other cere- 
als and materials. 

HUX — A wor council. 

WIX — A peece treety or pakt. 

VAX — A wor map. 

BAF — A blak sheep — a renegade 
— a dejenerate — a human 
weed. 

SNAF — A stool pijun — a decoy 
duk — a paid sneek — a spy. 

SKUR— A nobody that's ambi- 
tious to be somebody. 

NOTE — The above new wordf 
were all born in Dr. Mak's mind, 
and from that Mental River many 
other new words will flow into 
our language from time to time. 
Words are Mental Tools and are 
needed to facilitate the expression 
of our new thots and ideas. 



The boob that's never been loved by some woman is 
far afield in the Weed-Class. He's a Cactus-Bird playing 
solitaire under the mesquite bushes out in the Foothills 
of Nowhere. 



Sowing "wild oats" before you're 30 is the best Way 
to reap spectacles and filled teeth after you're past 50. 



The Fool Killer 119 

My son, whisky will never write your name on the 
stars nor plant flowers on your grave. It will put your 
face in the Rogue's Gallery and citizenship your moniker 
in the Potter's Field. 



The person who owns the job you have to use in order 
to live is your master, and the very fact that you don't 
realize this is the reason he is your master. 



Promises are only Rainbow Currency and are not 
legal tender at the grocery stores. They are Hope Cock- 
tails. 



Yes, Harold, if you're stuck on cabareting the Jef- 
ferson Hotel and the Blue Goose and tangoing Dollie 
Bird Avenue, you'll not only have to pay the orchestra 
union wages now, but you'll need a fat roll to invest in 
neosalvarsan and Arkansaw baths later on. The way of 
the transgressor never was much of a Seeley Mattress! 

We'd rather have a good Stein way piano in this 
World than the promise of a golden harp in the "Next 
World;" and a rolk here will give more satisfaction than 
a whole squadron of aks "over there!" 



Guzzling booze and smoking cigarettes is shooting it 
into yourself pretty hard, but the tobacco and booze 
trusts can stand it awhile longer if you can. 



The Whisky Bottle soon teaches you the language 
of the gutter, and the Cigarette punctuates the patois of 
the underworld. 



Bad habits are paying yourself with counterfeit 
money — its killing yourself in order to have a "good time" 
— it's playing Death with the Devil and Old Nik has the 
cards stacked against you! 

The old rooster can crow just as loud as the young 
cock, but it's more like a threnody than a challenge — it 
sounds like the crinkle of autumn leaves and has an adios 
tang about it. 



120 The Fool Killer 

When Old Nik finds an idle mind he chuckles to 
himself and gets out a handful of weed-seed and gossip- 
germs. 



An Ignorant Mind is a Briar Patch — a Serpent Jun- 
gle! a Buzzard Nidus — a Reptile Hutch — a Tiger Warren! 

Man is the only boob that can fool himself and that 
believes he will get wings after he dies. Please send me 
your address, Irene? 



If you keep your snoot properly lidded and boss your 
appetites and passions, you won't have much time to boss 
anyone else. 



"What is LOVE?" asks Miss Graycele Ventry, of 
Parkville, Mo. It's the one thing that catches our Nancy 
Animal with moonshine and feeds it cake, pie and candy. 
It's that Eternal SOMETHING that has played tag with 
us all down through the Vast and Voiceless Ages that are 
sepulchured in Eternity. It's the one Problem that does 
all its own probing and refuses to be solved. It's the one 
thing that gives life any real significance and makes ex- 
istence worth while. It's that Eternal Something — that 
quenchless Urge that builds nests and wants the flowers 
to come back again. It's the Beckoning Hand that plants 
the Seed of Immortality in every life — it's the Chisel that 
carves flowers and anchors on the tombstones and hiero- 
glyphics the Tongueless Pyramids. It's the Beautiful 
Hand that keeps a light in the window and weeds the 
graves. It's the Whispering Voice that gets Hope to 
Write it aurevoir at the Farewell Gate. It's the only 
light that can make the Human Eye beauiful and divine — 
the Heart's Primeval Challenge to Annihilation. It's the 
Soul's Wireless Message the Heart telegraphs through 
the eyes. There you are, Miss Graycele, and don't you 
go and forget it. 



Life is a doughnut with a hole in it, and Capitalism 
is ever enlarging the hole. Socialism wants to make 
the hole smaller. 



The Fool Killer 121 

TAME HUSBANDS. 

If husbands were as true, loyal and attentive as dogs 
are, there'd be more pet-hubbies and less pet-dogs. A 
woman's nature' requires a great deal of love and constant 
attention. If you want her heart to play in your back- 
yard (and no place else) and her soul to holler down your 
rain-barrel, why you've got to get out there and let your 
heart and soul play tag with hers every day — not just 
occasionally or on legal holidays, but every day — and then 
dream of her a little every night and tell her of it in the 
morning — whether you dreamed of her or not. Her love 
is a Soul-Flower, and like all other flowers it's got to 
have plenty of rain and sunshine. You boobs ne.ver heard 
of a pet dog leaving its mistress at night to go off down- 
town and have a "good time with the boys!" It stays 
at home and plays with her and worships her, and that's 
just why it soon displaces you in her affections and be- 
comes her constant .companion and pet, while you soon 
take second place and become her old Tom-cat of a 
worthless husband whose blood is mostly a natatorium 
for wander-lust germs. Savvy, you bloom'n boobs? 



Every vote for the old-parties will make the hole in 
the doughnut bigger and the milk-bottle smaller. 

ONE ON THE DOCTORS. 

It beats all how many prominent doctors are dying 
off before they reach middle age, and of the very ail- 
ments they make a specialty of treating. Those very 
diseases saunter right into the doctor's home unbidden 
and play tag With his Nancy Animal awhile, and then 
another diploma is turned to the wall, and Monsieur 
Sharon is signalled by wireless to row over to this side 
again. As we have often remarked before, there are a 
few things the doctors don't know, and most of what 
they do know isn't so. Wake up, gentlemen, and give 
Old Shary a vacation! 



Cancers are the Kaisers of Diseases — Syphillis is the 
Czar of Ailments, and Tuberculosis is the King of the 
Whitecaps. 



122 The Fool Killer 



LOVE gets Hope to write it au revoir at the Fare- 
well Gate. 



If your mother-in-law were half as bad as you think 
she is, you'd never have married an offspring of hers. 
Perhaps her opinion of you is even worse than your opin- 
ion of her? Our money is on the Old Lady? * 

Pineapples are the porcupines of the fruit world, and 
the porcupine is the pineapple of the animal kingdom. 



KANSAS CITY'S SIZE. 

"Tombstone, Ariz., March 15, 1918. 

"Editor ov Foolkiller: 'Tv bin read'n your kon- 
founded krazy magazene until I don't noe wether I'm 
kum'n or goi'n. I am thinking ov muving to a larjer 
place, but I'v never bin in your city and wud like to noe 
sumthing about it — its size, etc. I'm a lether wurker 
and muvd here 9 years ago from Rochester, N. Y., on 
akkount ov my wife's helth, but it woz tu late to du hur 
much good, and she died 7 munths after we got here. 
Yours for a better wurld, J. N. S." 

Yes, brother, we're always willing to be of service 
to our fellowmen and women. In point of numbers and 
physical size Kansas City is some pumpkin with a rich 
strawberry flavor. It has more than 550,000 and is 
growing like a church scandal in a small town; but mor- 
ally, she is away back in the Cave-Class. If you have 
the kale you can find everything here except righteous- 
ness. If you are looking for anything as Utopian and 
antiquated as righteousness, you'd better stop off in 
Wichita or Tulsa. As to catching on here and getting a 
start, if you are a live grafter and merciless gouger, you 
can soon live on the sunny side of Easy Street and Kom- 
fort Avenue; but if you have any old-fashioned and So- 
cialistic ideas about being decent and making a living 
honestly, why you can come on and stick around and 
gradually starve to death with the rest of us righteous 
and baldheaded boobs, and we'll say howdy when we meet 
you in Mr. Potter's Mortis Pasture! 



The Fool Killer 123 

Don't whip your children nor swear at them — they 
are not to blame for having inherited your defects and 
bad habits. Treat them courteously and kindly and al- 
ways be fair and truthful with them. Fill their lives 
with good thing's and their minds with right-ideas and 
they'll grow into flowers and bless you and society. If 
they won't respond to kindness and good treatment and a 
normal environment, it will be worse than useless to try 
ill-treatment and brute force on them. Brutality is the 
weakest force in all the world and only degrades us and 
pulls us down hill. Kindness is the only uplifting and 
civilizing force, and with its white and gentle hands is 
ever trying to write our names upon the stars., 



FREEDOM. 

Like an eagle in a cage I'm weary and sad — 
The glad free air is calling my wings; 
Only Liberty and Freedom can make me glad — 
Away in the hills where the Southwind sings. 

I despise "Civilization" with its snares and its stings — 
Its stinking hypocrisy that throttles our wings — 
Its false standards, its ideals so rotten and bad — 
Just give me the hills and the streams where I can be 
glad. 

Just give me the freedom of the hills and the streams,, 
Where the wood-dove coos and the whipporwill dreams— 
Where the skies are kind and Nature is friendly to all — 
Where "Civilization" can't $-mark our wings and cause 
us to fall. 



As a piano has more than 80 keys, why can't it un- 
lock its own case? For the same reason the potato can't 
see with its eyes. 

It's not so bad, Steve, to be a dam-fool — especially 
after you've discovered that most of your neighbors are 
vaudevilling on the same circuit. 



The Cigarette is a corkscrew for the Whisky Bottle. 



124 The Fool Killer 

COWARDLY IDEAS. 

If you have ideas that are afraid to meet all other 
ideas, you had better get rid of them. The reason they're 
afraid of other ideas is because they feel their own 
weakness and sense their own unworthiness. Ideas that 
are sound are always friendly and courteous to all other 
ideas. Only false ideas are cowardly and hostile to other 
ideas. The real champion is not afraid to meet all 

comers. 

HOW TO KEEP HIM AT HOME. 

Many a poor boob would stay home at night if his 
wife's company were worth keeping. Wake up, Mary, and 
sing and dance a little in his heart. Do a few fancy 
steps in his soul. When he comes home all tired and 
weary from his long and exacting toil, hand him a few 
of those All-Soul and Vast Forever Kisses he sees in the 
movies, and he'll soon forget all about wanting to go 
down on Pipe-Organ Avenue and trailing Dollie Chickens. 
You can't keep the lid on your soul and keep Charley at 

home. 

A FEW KAISERS. 

Booze is the Kaiser of Drinks. 

Tobacco is the Kaiser of Weeds. 

Flies are the Kaisers of Insects. 

Profit is the Kaiser of Business. 

Selfishness is the Kaiser of Society. 

DEATH is the Kaiser of All — the ruthless hand that 
plucks every flower and furls all the flags. 

Note: We haven't put Kaiser Bill in this class, be- 
cause he is too mean to be classified, and all other 
kaisers object to having him put in their class. 



A HARD JOB. 

It's a hard job to be nice to people and win their 
respect and good-will, and at the same time make a liv- 
ing by gouging them, but that is the capitalis way and 
causes about all the trouble in the world. The Socialist 
way is to make a living by helping each other — and this 
will bring peace and good will to the race. Why not help 
up to make the change, brother? 



The Fool Killer 125 

Man's foolishness is all that keeps this World out of 
the Garden-Class. 

THE BOOZE QUESTION. 

We are unalterably opposed to the business and the 
cause of it — profits. Booze is one of man's worst ene- 
mies and is always coaxing him downhill and wallowing 
him in the gutter. As profits are the cause of this 
universal evil, we must first abolish profits. Take the 
4c profit out of the glass of beer, and no one would sell 
it. It's that little old 4c profit that is at the bottom of 
the whole business. People don't engage in the liquor 
business because they are bad or depraved, but solely be- 
cause they can make big and easy profits selling the in- 
fernal stuff — it's the only or easiest way millions have 
of making a living; and the same with all other bad en- 
terprises — people can make a living in such ways. The 
saloon men are well aware that it is a bad and scurvy 
business, but there is big and easy money in it. We are 
not in favor of the Prohibition program as a remedy for 
the Booze Serpent. Their program does not touch the 
cause (profits) of the liquor traffic, and that is why it 
fails. The Prohibs are more intent on propagating their 
religion than in bringing about temperance. Our pro- 
gram is to have the Government or the State provide 
every man in the booze business with a better Way of 
making a living for himself and family, and then there 
would be no economic necessity for them to engage in 
this disreputable business. Then put it up to the whole 
people (including the women) whether or not the Gov- 
ernment should make and sell the hell-poison. If a ma- 
jority voted for it, then let the Government make it 
chemically pure and sell it at cost — about 1c a gallon; 
but if the majority voted against it, then the Govern- 
ment would not make it at all, and if the Government 
would take over all industries and employ all the people 
at legitimate and necessary work, no one would have any 
incentive to embark in such a degrading avocation — the 
Devil's pet enterprise. If no one had to depend on booze 
for a living and had no pecuniary interest in it, we feel 



126 The Fool Killer 

sure that 88 per cent of the people would vote solidly 
against it. Every saloon man on earth would be glad 
of a chance to get in some other business — something he 
and his loved ones Would not have to be ashamed of. 

They are not bad and depraved at all, but are human 
beings just like the rest of us, and are doing the best 
they can under the circumstances. Let's give them a 
better way of making a living and see how quickly and 
gladly they will respond to it. We never drank booze in 
our life and do not use tobacco, but we have met thou- 
sands of saloon men and brewery men in one way or 
another, and we find the most of them good-hearted, 
honest, generous, friendly and in favor of a square deal; 
and another virtue they possess is their inclination to 
keep their noses at home and mind their own business. 
Don't curse and blame the poor devils for selling booze 
for a living, but help abolish the infernal system that 
drives people into all sorts of disreputable ways of making 
a living. And what an immense gain for us all to divert 
the millions of laborers from the foolish and useless 
waste of producing and distributing a poisonous and use- 
less product to the production of things that the race 
really needs for its health, advancement and happiness. 
Of course the booze business makes lots and lots of work 
and business, but so Would the digging of holes one day 
and the filling up of those holes the next day % . The 
main difference in these two useless enterprises would be 
altogether in favor of hole-digging, for that kind of use- 
less labor would not injure anyone's health and morals — 
it would simply be the waste of time, labor and capital 
in the production of a useless product — holes that could 
not be used at all. And the same applies to all other use- 
less activities. Let's give the saloon men a chance to be 
decent, and I'll bet my last dollar they'll come across and 
make good. 



Every good thought is an asset and will give you 
strength to climb the steep places of life; but every bad 
thought is a liability and will furnish you the weak- 
nesses that will cause you to get stuck in the mud. 



The Fool Killer 



127 



So live that your Conscience will be your pal and 
your Soul won't make faces at you while you're flagging 
Old Sharon. — 

The Multiplication Table is the only thing that don't 
shoot the bull — it's the one thing that's got the goods and 
is never late. It's the only thing we can't call a liar and 
bamboozle. It never short-weights us nor exceeds the 
speed-limits. It's the only thing that can preach a ser- 
mon the boobs won't quarrel about. It may be a little bit 
old-fogyish and conservative, but it never misses the 
bull's eye nor the train. It's the one thing we can tie 
to when the other wharfs have all drifted away. 




WHAT DOLLARIZED RELIGION HAS DONE TO THE 

CROSS OF CHRIST. 



128 The Fool Killer 

Health, LOVE and a Clear Conscience are the onlj 
things that can make life beautiful and worth While. 



IMMORTALITY is the Pream Star that Hope handi 
the Heart at the Grave. 



MUSIC gets my Nancy Animal and feeds it cake, 
pie and candy. 



The words in this book that are not spelled according 
to Webster, are spelled according to Mak, and as they 
are both high authorities on orthography, you should 
worry. The printers tried out some of their own spelling 
at places, but I have carefully eliminated that. Webster's 
orthography and Mak's spelling are about all that an 
ordinary mortal can stand at one time. 



CIPHERS. 

It seems that human beings are never quite happy 
unless they are doing something foolish and unnecessary. 
Did you ever notice how most of these ginks write num- 
bers — especially dollars? For instance, if they want to 
write five dollars and express it in figures, they usually 
also write in two ciphers to represent the cents that do 
not exist in this case — thus: $5.00; now, what on earth 
or off is the use of using two characters to represent 
nothing? Nothing don't need any representation. Write 
it like this: $5. Remember, it is the proper placing of 
the decimal point (period) that indicates whether the 
number is cents or dollars. The dollar mark should al- 
ways be used at the head of the fgiures to indicate 
whether you are speaking of dollars, bushels, yards, or 
something else. When you write it just 5., we know it 
is a whole number, but can't tell whether it is 5 dollars 
or 5 bushels, etc. In writing cents alone, Where no dollars 
are in the game, it is necessary to use a cipher sometimes 
— thus: '05; but if you wrote it this way: .5, it would 



The Fool Killer 129 

be fifty cents or fifty per cent of a bushel or other 
thing; and if your number contains mills and you wish 
to write down 5 mills, for instance, you would have to use 
two ciphers, thus: .005. 

Remember, that all numbers to the left of the 
decimal point are whole numbers, while those to the right 
are fractional parts of a whole number. You have no idea, 
Steve, how many grown folks don't know how to use the 
decimal point and write numbers properly. Measuring 
red tape or doing useless things is wasting life — it's 
like burning up your fuel in the hote weather when 
you need ice instead of heat. In fact, every useless 
stunt you pull off is like going to mill horseback and put- 
ting a big stone in one end of the sack to balance the 
grain in the other end instead of putting half the grain 
in one end and half in the other end, and thus balancing 
it without adding any additional weight to your back or 
the horse's back; and yet it took humans many centuries 
to learn how to balance the grist without a stone; and 
some of the Hill Billies haven't learned it yet. 
Wlhen the clouds of battle have cleared away, 
Humanity is going to have its splendid day, 
And all the dollarized and tearful creeds, 
Will be replaced by the flowers the race so greatly needs. 

WHAT IT'S GOOD FOR. 

Yes, my son, Whiskey is good for lots of things — 
selling it is an easy way of separating fools from their 
kale. Booze is a great and successful booster for the 
prisons, bean- jails and Final Homes — cemeteries. It 
chains your feet to all the paths that wind-up at the 
bottom of the ladder. It's a deep and Restless River 
whose hed and frothy waves are ever lapping onward 
toward the Black Ocean of Death and the Red Sea of 
Perdition. 

Whiskey spells depravity with an h — Hellpravlty, 
and slams every door in your face that is worth enter- 
ing. It introduces you to the Underworld where a cigar- 
ette is the pass-key and a bottle of Cocaine is the 
Grand Hailing Sign. It shanties you in the slums — reg- 
isters you in the Rogues' Gallery and sepulchurs your 



130 The Fool Killer 



worthless dust in the Potter's Field— the Necropolis of 
whiskey-washed derelicts, where all respectable worms 
will hold their noses with both hands during your obse- 
quies. It don't think enough of its victims to even 
mark their graves with a beer-bottle for a tombstone. 
Cut it out, boys, and let the tobacco go with it, and 
then quit voting for Capitalism — the cause of all evils. 
You've no idea how nice it feels to be sane, intelligent 
and normal. 

Behaving yourself is playing a game of solitaire. 

"DOROTHY DIX TALKS." 
Headline in Daily Paper. 

Sure she does — in fact, did Dorothy ever do anything 
else? 



Only an educated gentleman or a traveling man 
can lie artistically. 

THE WORLD'S IMPERATIVE NEEDS. 

1. Sensible human beings who know how to be- 
have themselves. 

2. Weather that is always just right. 

3. Crops that will plant themselves and grow like 
weeds without cultivation. 

4. Bad habits that will promote good health. 

5. An automobile that never needs "fixin." 

6. Babies that never cry and are no trouble. 

7. Flies that won't walk on bald heads. 

8. Lead pencils that never need to be honed. 

9. Fuzzless peaches and boneless fish. 

10. Husbands that won't fall for booze, tobacco and 
calico. 

11. Wives that love their husbands better than 
dogs and that won't gossip. 

12. A telephone that can't be used for gossiping. 



The Fool Killer 131 



CHICKEN FEATHERS; 

or, 
Poetical Refreshments. 

A Kentucky Cocktail — A jug of moonshine whiskey 
with a horseshoe in it and flavored with bluegrass. 

An Oklahoma Cocktail — A quart of crude oil with a 
handfull of Johnson grass in it. 

A Kansas Cocktail — A glass of revised and censored 
buttermilk flavored with alfalfa and a grasshopper riong. 

A Missouri Cocktail — Any old thing that is get on 
both sides and has a kick in it and that's flavored with a 
little music and Ozark poetry. 

A Y. M. C. A. Cocktail — A glass of Coco Cola with a 
toothpick in it and flavored with chewing gum. 

A Salvation Army Cocktail — A glass of skimmed milk 
with a safety-pin in it. 

A Suffragette Cocktail — A pink lemonade with a hair- 
pin in it — a good drink for deacons and ministers' sons. 

A Yiddish Cocktail — A glass of beer with a nickel in 
it and flavored With garlic. 

An Irish Cocktail — A quart of Old Crow with a 
shamrock in it. 

A "Kultur" Cocktail — A stein of blood with a u-boat 
in it and flavored with chlorine gas. 

An American Cocktail — A barrel of grape- juice 
with an American flag in it and flavored with World 
Democracy — the best dink in the world. It puts real 
pep in you and makes you go over the top instead of 
In the gutter, and makes a man and a human being out 
of you instead of a kaiser. 

Step up, boys, and drink an American Cocktail with 
the Fool Killer. 



Snowing is caused by the clouds crying puffed-tears. 



Wings in the "Next World" won't help you over 
the muddy places in this life, and a flying machine 
"over there" is a very poor substitute for an automobile 
here. 



132 The Fool Killer 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

Tobacoc introduces you to Booze, and tne latter 
gent presents his near neighbor — Mr. Morphine, and 
that sleepy mortal has a first cousin, Herr Opium, he 
wishes you to meet, and Mr. 0. in turn asks you to 
shake hands with his nephew — Senor Cocaine, and that 
Disciple of Dreams wishes you to meet his old college 
chum, Monsieur Absinthe, and that green-eyed and bitter 
fatalist asks you to over the Presipice with him. 



THAT SILVER LINING AGAIN. 

San Antonio, Feb. 2. — Private Ivey Clevland, negro, 
will be honorably discharged from the army because his 
feet are so large that the quartermaster decided that it 
would cost $20 a pair to buy him shoes. 

It's sure a dark cloud that has no silver lining to it—* 
and the wind that blows nobody any good must be in the 
kaiser class. 



DON'T NEGLECT WIFEY. 

Yes, Harold, a man is a rather poor and slow sort 
of a critter when his wife gets so tired of him she wants 
a male dog for a pet and companion ; but then the dog 
don't use tobacco, don't get soused and leave her home 
at nights while he goes down town and tangoes the 
Dollie Chickens up and down Bryan Avenue; neither does 
the dog curse her and blame the h. k. o. 1. on her head. 
The dog is always true, loyal, affectionate and attentive 
to her. Boys, why not try out some of the dog's good 
traits on your wives and see if you can't win them back? 



If you have the love of a good and faithful wife 
and the loving trust of a little child that watches at 
the gate for you every night, and then flies down the 
street to meet you and slip its little hand in yours, why, 
why — well, confound it! you don't need to envy Wood- 
row Wilson his little old 30-cent job down there on the 
Potomac. 



The Fool Killer 133 

Swat your kiddies with kisses and caresses and fill 
their young lives with the good things and they will 
develop into flowers instead of weeds. Empiy lives 
soon become weed-patches. Don't cram their tender 
minds with the dead and useless weeds of religion and 
tell them that lunatics who lived thousands of years 
ago are looking for them with a club and a box of 
matches. Banish all fear from their minds and teach 
them to abhor all cruelties. Feed their hearts with the 
green foliage of Love and menu their minds with the 
ripe fruit of Reason and perfume their while souls with 
the delicate fragrance of Kindness and Gentleness, and 
you will be proud of them as they develop into Deau- 
tiful and normal Human-rfuit trees. 



There's nothing much the matter With the woking 
people except they're dam fools and don't know it. 

Most of the roads to Hell are paved with gold, 
calico and booze. 



Don't deceive and neglect your wife and she'll 
meet you on the square and level with the compass in 
one hand and her heart in the other one. Give her a 
chance to make good and you will find that she Is more 
silk than calico. She's got plenty of good in her, but 
you are not providing her with the kind of environment 
that will bring the good to the surface. Your treat- 
ment of her is probably the kind that develops claws 
instead of wings; and if it is, you deserve to be 
scratched good and hard. 



A BAD LETTER. 

Steve, do you know that the letter B is one of the 
worst citizens in the alfredbet? 

"No, Doc, how's that?" 

Because it starts every Blizzard, Buzzard ana 
Blight, and is the beginning of Booze, Bunk and Bad- 
ness, and introduces every Boodler, Brute and Bagnio, 
and is the insect in every Debt, 



134 The Fool Killer 



IMMORTALITY— A Red Anchor made out of Love 
Dreams — the Green Necktie the Heart wears when say- 
ing Good-bye. 

To be a Socialist one must have the intelligence to 
understand it, the honesty to want it and the courage to 
fight for it. 



"JUST A MINUTE P 

How often do we hear this expression, and how little 
do we realize that these tinesey minutes quickly grow 
into hours, and the hours have a persistent habit of de- 
veloping into days, and the latter make a specialty of 
bulging into years, and the annuals lazily stretch off into 
the Misty Centuries, and the centuries have nothing to 
do but dream away into ETERNITY — where TIME is 
only a Measureless and Shoreless FOREVER! 



If the workers don't make any better use of their 
Wings in the next world than they have of their brains 
in this world, it will be a woeful waste of wing-material 
to furnish them with such useless transportation. 

RAISED THE LIMIT. 

In one of our magazine articles we penned Just 
after we had slipped past the 50 mark, we made the 
pompous and self-satisfied statement that people never 
acquired good sense until they were 50, but we've 
pulled off so many foolish stunts since then we've had to 
raise the limit to 60, and from present indications the 
limit will have to be raised later on to 70. Yes, boys, it's 
your laugh — heave to! 

Yes, Steve, there's always room at the top, as the 
capitalist sophists are wont to tell us, provided you tiave 
teeth and claws long and sharp and strong enough to bite 
and scratch your way up there; otherwise, you'll function 
at the bottom of the ladder as a door mat for the muddy 
and dirty hoofs of the big-bellied and long-snouted hogs 
who don't care a dam how they reach the top of the heap 
and get all-fours in the trough simultaneously. 



The Fool Killer 135 

Man is the only animal in all the world that sows 
"wild oats" and imagines he's having a "hell of a good 
time." He swells up like a poisoned toad in fly time and 
wabbles and struts around on the features of Mother 
Earth, kidding himself with one hand and grabbing calico 
with the other fore foot. He's a lurid and wapsied eyed, 
pot-bellied, bow-legged and knock-kneed old shank of per- 
dition and Terre Haute who prays to his own Belly and 
considers his foolishness wisdom and his crimes civiliza- 
tion. He's a lollapaloozer that knows how to loll 



You must scratch and bite, 

And hate and fight, 

And do all other selfish things 

To break your neighbors' wings, 

And thus beat them to it, 

For that is business — 

And the hogs all do it. 



Yes, Steve, if your salary is tall enough to reach up 
over $18 shoes and anchor $50 hats on 25c heads, and 
swat the high cost of loving with a 30-cylinder Cadillac, 
a Stein way piano and a $125-a-month flat on Woodland 
avenue or a $30,000 house out Country Club way, nd 
a few other trifling incidentals like food, clothing, phone, 
water, electric lights and gas that won't travel in cold 
weather, a 25-dollar-a-night theater box. It's all right to 
let your fancy lightly turn to thoughts of love, but other- 
wise you had better stick to $15 suits and safety razors 
and cigaroozel up and down the Piccadilly with a weed- 
fire under your snoot, play solitaire at the movies and 
new and then banquet the Lower Walnut street grisettes 
at a 15c Kosher joint over on Missouri and Independence 
avenues. 



Missouri is the best state in the world, everything 
considered, and only has three drawbacks — the Republican 
party is one of them and the Donk party is the other two. 



136 The Fool Killer 

The best way to make a young lady behave herself 
is to give her enough salary to be decent on and not work 
her to death. 



And she needs a few hours every day 
In which to dream and play, 
For without these essential things 
She'll develop claws instead of wings. 

THE BIGGEST FOOL. 

If there's anything in this world that's a bigger fool 
than a man, it's the woman who marries him and thinks 
she can make something worth while out of him. She 
stands in a class all by her snub-nosed, frecklelfaced, 
high-shoed and dauntless little self, and we don't intend 
to ask her to sit down, either. 



If there are as many Fords in Hell as there are in 
Kansas, I don't see how a man with a good car is ever 
going to squeeze in there. 

THE ETERNAL SPHINX. 

DEATH replies to all: 

"Curious Mortals, I will not tell 
Whether I'm the Dood to Heaven, 
Or the Shutless Gate to Hell; 
So, it's no use to ask me why, 
I bring darkness to every eye, 
And cause all wings to droop and fold, 
And kill the flowers with winter's cold? 
But such a fate to everything will fall, 
For that is My Decree to one and all." 



A QUARTET OF SAVIORS. 

Health, Intelligence, Love and Justice are the only 
things that can save the Human Race from Extinction 
and Oblivion. These are the four Creators that can re- 
build the world on an enduring foundation. 

Aurevoir, my readers, 

The Author. 



, L *BRAf?Y 




